Political Sushi

Arnold's failed legislature sign

The good old days were here but they are gone forever now.

Once upon a time, the California Legislature was only 35 days late on the budget. I remember those good old days, when the politicians thought it would be fun to take their time, playing games with the budget. It’s not so funny now!.

By John W. Lillpop

As Mexico’s “war on drugs” decays further and further into a violent civil war, the United States government is making plans to do what should have been done on the afternoon of September 11, 2001: Seal off the U.S.-Mexico border with military force.

As reported in the El Paso Times (1), in part:

“EL PASO — If Mexico’s vicious drug war ever spills into El Paso, the United States has several response plans, one of which calls for a military surge along the U.S.-Mexico border, Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff said this week.

“Chertoff has instructed the 22 federal agencies that fall under Homeland Security to develop border-violence response plans because the drug war in Mexico appears to be escalating, not ending. So far, more than 5,300 people have been killed across Mexico as rival drug cartels continue to fight over drug trafficking corridors.

“One drug corridor at the center of the violence is the Juárez “plaza,” where more than 1,600 people were killed last year. In Mexico, “plaza” refers to a drug cartel’s territory.

“We completed a contingency plan for border violence, so if we did get a significant spillover, we have a surge
– if I may use that word — capability to bring in not only our own assets but even to work with” the Defense Department, Chertoff told The New York Times.

“El Paso County Commissioner Dan Haggerty said the news that the U.S. has various levels of contingency plans to deal with the violence should be comforting to most El Pasoans.

“I think it is going to get worse in Mexico, and we as U.S. citizens need to be assured that Homeland Security or someone is going to protect us,” he said. “We must accept that we live in a city that has been labeled as a major drug-smuggling corridor and a place for illegal immigration.

“With that type of illegal activity comes the possibility that our safety is at risk.”

Although it is reassuring to know that contingency plans are in place, one wonders why the government is waiting for violence to spill over before acting?

Why not send troops to the border now to prevent any spill over and to stop additional third-world illegal aliens from invading America?

(1)
http://www.elpasotimes.com/news/ci_11411512

Satire by John W. Lillpop

While the Internet was rocked by news that President-elect Barack Obama has chosen Dr. Sanjay Gupta, the neurosurgeon and correspondent for CNN and CBS, to be U.S. Surgeon General (1), an equally news worthy appointment slipped through the cracks and received virtually no reportage whatsoever.

Turns out that Omar Epps, otherwise known as Dr. Eric Foreman on the smash TV series titled House, has been offered the position of White House physician.

Which means that Epps, Dr. Foreman that is, will be responsible for the medical care and treatment of the Obama family, including the requisite annual examiniation of the president and reporting results to the media and American people.

Cynics, mostly snotty, racist Republicans, are already lining up to ask what qualifications Epps brings to his new position.

Will the American people be able to sleep soundly knowing that a television actor, rather than a licensed medical professional, will be prescribing medications for the most powerful man on the planet?

Should we fret, if even just slightly, over the fact that that a TV doc will be stabbing BO in the bum when he (TV doc) suspects that a flu bug or nasty boil is causing all that executive wrath?

How will the Secret Service react when Epps says he has to sedate BO in order to do a brain scan? Will VP Joe Biden be authorized to rush over to the Oval Office and take command based on the diagnosis and treatment prescribed by a man who would be more culturally comfortable with a gang knife than a surgeon’s scalpel?

What of maladies and suspected maladies too delicate to discuss in great detail on a family web site? Can a TV doc be trusted to keep ultra-sensitive information concerning skeletons in BO’s closet private?

Again, the issue boils down to qualifications. Anyone who has watched House knows that Epps is a capable actor and a man of integrity, at least in his role as Dr. Foreman.

But what in the world makes Epps qualified to practice medicine out of the White House?

Obama insiders defend the decision by pointing out that Leon Panetta is without any credentials in intelligence, yet he has been picked to serve as Director of the CIA.

Mediocrity based on precedent seems a damn poor way to staff the president’s cabinet, but that is what America is up against with BO.

A “google” of Epps background may provide valuable insight: Turns out that Epps starred in a 2002 flick, Love and Basketball, in addition to other acting gigs while portraying a young black athlete.

Now it makes perfect sense: Epps is perfect because he is a brother who’s “got game,” and can do some one-on-one hoops with BO in emergencies!

Reference (1)
http://voices.washingtonpost.com/the-trail/2009/01

By John W. Lillpop

A cliché commonly used when discussing justice in America is,”You do the crime, you must do the time.”

Fair enough. However, why is that standard of justice nearly non-existent when it comes to a despicable swindler like Bernie Madoff?

Madoff is the American businessman and former chairman of the NASDAQ stock exchange who was arrested on December 11, 2008 and charged with engineering the largest investor fraud ever committed by a single individual in world financial history.

Madoff created an elaborate “Ponzi Scheme” in which he swindled well-schooled bankers, Wall Street investors, charities, and individuals out of $50 billion dollars.

That number $50 billion is hard for most people to comprehend. Think of it in familiar terms: George W. Bush sent $17 billion of your money to bail out automakers in December.

Bernie Madoff swindled three times that amount from professionals and others that should have known better.

Despite the enormity of his crimes and the harm inflicted on countless numbers of innocent people, Madoff is a free man, after posting a $10 million bond.

While the U.S. Congress and prosecutors sort out the greatest hoax in history, the mastermind of deceit continues to enjoy a life of luxury and opulence made possible by that very hoax.

Madoff’s successful run of felonies has put enormous pressure on the Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC), the government agency created in 1934 to regulate the stock market and prevent corporate abuses relating to the offering and corporate reporting.

For a complete history of the SEC, refer to reference (1).

The burning question running through the halls of Congress and minds of jilted investors is: Why did the SEC fail to catch this bottom-feeding crook? How in the hell did one man manage to steal $50 billion from some of the most sophisticated and tough-minded money people in the world in the heavy regulated environment of financial investments?

Has Bernie Madoff ever been investigated by the SEC?

In fact, the SEC did investigate Madoff at least eight times since 1992 as reported by the Associated Press, Reference 2.

From the linked reference this summary in part:

“The many fruitless probes into Bernie Madoff:

Starting in 1992, federal regulators on many occasions examined various aspects of Bernard Madoff’s business operations, but they never turned up the alleged $50 billion Ponzi scheme that led to Madoff’s arrest last month. The history of regulatory failure in the Madoff scandal:

1992

Securities and Exchange Commission

Madoff’s name comes up in a probe of Florida accountants who allegedly sold unregistered securities.

1999

SEC examiners review trading practices at Madoff’s investment advisory firm.

2001

The SEC’s Boston office receives information from securities industry executive Harry Markopolos raising questions about the steady stock market returns of Madoff’s firm.

2004

The SEC looks into whether Madoff’s firm engaged in improper trading practices.

2005

The SEC interviews Madoff and members of his family, finding no improper trading practices.

2005

An industry-based regulatory office finds no improper trading practices by Madoff’s firm.

2005

SEC investigators meet with Markopolos, who alleges that Madoff’s firm is “the world’s largest Ponzi scheme.”

2006

An SEC enforcement investigation finds that Madoff and one of his clients misled regulators. As a result, Madoff agrees to register as an investment adviser.

2007

The Financial Industry Regulatory Authority examines Madoff’s firm. No regulatory action results.”

Eight alleged investigations and a $50 billion Ponzi scheme goes undetected? Who in the hell were the SEC “investigators”? Big Bird and the Cookie Monster from Sesame Street?

Amazingly enough, Harry Markopolos, while working at a rival firm, wrote in 1999 that Madoff was running a Ponzi scheme. Markopolos now looks like a certifiable genius, a fact that is of little comfort to those whom Madoff robbed, or SEC commissioners and employees who are left looking like complete fools, or worse.

The bottom line seems to be that, as of now, no single explanation makes sense in the bizarre Bernie Madoff crime spree.

Allan Sloan, senior editor at CNN Money Fortune (Reference 3) filed this report, in part:

“CNN Money Fortune

“NEW YORK (Fortune) — Yes, there really are times when life imitates art. A case in point: the Bernie Madoff scandal, in which the disgraced investor bears a startling resemblance to Zero Mostel’s sleazy theater promoter in one of my favorite flicks, “The Producers.”

“What do the real-life Madoff and Mostel’s fictional Max Bialystock have in common? They used the same principles to pull off a big-time financial fraud. These are: If you’re going to steal, steal big. If you’re going to cook the books, make up numbers of your own - don’t try to doctor the real ones. And, finally, if you’re going to fleece people, turn down enough potential investors so that those whose money you take feel so honored that they don’t do basic homework to find out about you.

“No, I’m not making light of what Madoff did, which has ruined the lives of people who went to sleep feeling rich and woke up poor, and which has devastated worthy charities. I’m just trying to show you how the world works, and why we see the same things, year after year, decade after decade, with frauds like Madoff and the Bayou hedge funds and other less famous sleazoids.

“How could the Securities and Exchange Commission, which admits it had gotten tips about Madoff for years, bring some penny-ante insider-trading claim against Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban while failing to see that Madoff was ripping off billions from the likes of Elie Wiesel’s foundation?

“Not to prejudge the SEC’s investigation of itself, but I’ll bet the answer will turn out to be that things have always been this way and probably always will be. If commission enforcers get a bigger budget and are treated with respect rather than being dissed (including, I’ll bet, by some of Madoff’s victims) as an obstacle to free markets, things may improve. But don’t expect a fraud-free era to ensue.

“I’m saying this not out of cynicism but because I know how regulators generally work. I’ve seen it for years, in fields ranging from department stores to oil-drilling partnerships. You’re likely to get caught if you run a few inches outside the baseline, because regulators are set up to catch that. But run so far out that you’re playing on a whole different ball field? You can get away with that if you’re enough of a financiopath, and your luck holds.

“Take the mutual fund “market timing” scandal kicked over by Eliot Spitzer back when he was New York’s respected attorney general rather than its disgraced “love guv.” As you may recall, many foreign-stock mutual funds - which, like all mutual funds, are regulated up the wazoo by the SEC - were allowing hedge funds to do quick trades that ripped off the funds’ long-term investors by diverting profits from them to the hedgies. (This really should have been called “skimming,” but that’s another story.)

“Spitzer’s folks got tipped to this game by an informant - but it turned out there had been plenty of hints, such as hedge funds telling clients about their “timing” activities. The reason the SEC didn’t find this during its routine audits was that it wasn’t looking for it. Who’d have thought that funds would be so stupid as to risk their most valuable asset - their reputation - for the relative crumbs the hedge funds threw them?

“No one picked up on our fictional friend Max Bialystock because he made up a fraud from whole cloth - he sold investors 25,000% of a ghastly, tasteless musical, “Springtime for Hitler,” that was designed to fail and let him keep the money, but became a huge hit. Like Madoff, Bialystock didn’t have enough money to pay off investors who wanted their dough.

“Both scamsters also generated an aura of exclusivity by not taking money from just anyone. “It’s due diligence by crowd, and it doesn’t work,” says Jim Mintz, whose Mintz Group specializes in background checks.

“There’s a big move on for the SEC to regulate hedge funds. It’s a worthy idea. But trust me. If a big fund is engaged in a big fraud, the SEC’s unlikely to find it without an outside tip. Or maybe even with one. That’s how things worked with Madoff. And how they work in the real world. And how they’ll probably always work. ”

Which brings up an interesting point about deposed New York Governor Eliot Spitzer: Was the powerful Democrat spending too much time and money on ladies of the night at the Emperor’s Club to catch Bernie Madoff?

A video on Finance Yahoo (Reference 4), provides even more information on the Bernie Madoff story and is worth viewing.

References:

(1) History of SEC http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/U.S._Securities_and_Exchange_Commission

(2)

http://www.google.com/hostednews/ap/article/ALeqM5iIXcRJuIjbkGKM5GT0txn4-1CJowD95H7FI80

(3)
http://money.cnn.com/2009/01/05/magazines/fortune/sloan_madoff.fortune/?postversion=2009010506

(4)
http://finance.yahoo.com/tech-ticker/article/152910/SEC-Investigated-(And-Fooled-by)-Madoff-Eight-Times?tickers=^dji,^gspc,dia,spy,qqqq

Satire By John W. Lillpop

As men in the “boomer” generation reach the later stages of life, a new medical ailment is driving millions of once virile, confident men to tears and shame.

Namely, the dreaded ED, as in Erectile Dysfunction.

ED, pervasive among men in their 50s and 60s, has spawned a new family of medicines devised to treat the debilitating loss of performance in life’s most vital game.

The sports analogy is “He got game!”

Men with ED “got no game.”

But thanks to some nerdy scientist, who has probably never witnessed the awesome beauty of the disrobed female anatomy in person, American men now have Viagra.

We call it Blue Magic.

In sports vernacular, “We got game again!”

Hallelujah and glory be to the goddess of love!

The only side effect with Viagra is the danger of heart attack from too much excitement. But what the heck, no drug is perfect. Right?

But, the medicine is a bit pricey.

In order to determine what can be done to make Viagra accessible to all men, we contracted with beltway insider Opel Bijiquiovarti for a research project. The objective was to determine what legislative steps should be taken to make Blue Magic an integral and automatic part of the American Dream.

Bijiquiovarti, a constitutional scholar and part-time assistant pharmacist at the CIA, released the following findings, but only on the condition of anonymity:

The Bijiquiovarti findings:

* Erectile Function (EF) is an inalienable right guaranteed by the United States Constitution.

* The right to EF is found in the same section of the Constitution that guarantees a woman’s right to an abortion, and is adjacent to the Constitutional requirement that mandates separation of church and state.

* Because EF is an inalienable right, Viagra must be made available to all males diagnosed with ED. For men unable to afford the medicine, Bijiquiovarti has learned that state and local governments must provide Blue Magic free of charge. No exceptions!

Congratulations to Bijiquiovarti for his outstanding research and reporting expertise!

Coming as it does so close to Valentine’s Day, the Bijiquiovarti report is the most exciting news since the Emancipation Proclamation.

Thanks again, Dr. Bijiquiovarti!

An Open Letter To Mexican President Felipe Calderon

Dear President Calderon:
As you are no doubt aware, America the Great is quickly becoming America the Gray. The so-called “boomer” generation, comprised of approximately 40 million Americans, will soon reach retirement age.

As they age, America’s boomers yearn for a less frantic pace—and a lifestyle that allows one to pause and smell the roses now and again.

In other words, boomers are looking for the “Good Life” which is supposed to accrue to those who work 45 years, pay ungodly amounts in taxes, raise a family, put children through college, and baby-sit the grandchildren.

Unfortunately, the United States is no longer as hospitable as it once was to graying citizens.

As a result, boomers have decided to move en masse to your beloved Mexico.

Knowing that the Mexican government is a strong proponent of open borders and liberal immigration policies, as least as regards migrations from Mexico to America, boomers anticipate that their needs and wishes will be fully accommodated with minimal interference and bureaucratic hassle.

In plain English, boomers expect to be treated like upscale Mexican citizens, with all the perks and advantages attendant thereto.

Incidentally, we prefer to be called “undocumented boomers.”

President Calderon, I am delighted to announce that 40 million undocumented American boomers are headed to Mexico!

Viva America!

Current plans call for about 500,000 boomers to cross the border into Mexico each month, starting in November of this year.

As with any complex transition, there are several “ground rules” that must be followed in order to make this change seamless for the boomers.

Accordingly, your attention is directed to the following action items:

* Mexican sovereignty, borders, and immigration laws are essentially null and void with respect to undocumented boomers. No attempt should be made to enforce said restrictions on these good hearted, formerly hard working Americans.

* Undocumented boomers shall receive unlimited education, food, housing, legal assistance, and geriatric care on demand, the cost of which shall be borne solely by Mexican taxpayers.

* Mexican hospitals, medical clinics, and emergency rooms shall be obligated to meet the medical needs of all undocumented boomers, without regard to ability to pay.

This obligation shall not be limited or restricted in any way because of any real or projected negative impact on Mexico’s medical systems, including the loss of vital services to Mexican citizens.

* Although undocumented boomers shall not be obligated to pay for medical services received, they shall be entitled to send $30-50 billion a year back to the United States with impunity. The Mexican government shall actively facilitate the transfer of such funds to America.

* English is the only language used by undocumented boomers; boomers have no desire or obligation to learn Spanish.

* America’s historic free speech, free love, and anti-war revolutions originated with activists in the boomer generation.

In keeping with the boomer tradition of aggressive activism, from time to time it may be necessary for millions of boomers to take over the streets of Mexico’s large cities in order to protest proposed new laws when the “rights” of undocumented boomers are in jeopardy.

During such protests, boomers will wave Old Glory and scream “Yes, we can!” and “We are Mexico!” in English, as they protest the rule of law.

All such activities are valid free speech expressions in a thriving Democracy. As a consequence, the Mexican government shall take no action to limit or impede protests by undocumented boomers.

* We Americans celebrate the 4th of July to commemorate our independence from Great Britain. Undocumented boomers prefer to conduct business as normal on May 5 and September 16, and to reserve the 4th of July for fireworks, BBQs, and displaying Red, White, and Blue everywhere.

* Undocumented boomers shall be licensed to drive without regard to immigration status. All driver instruction and testing materials shall be in English.

* Blood relatives of undocumented boomers shall be eligible for the same reduced tuition rates offered to Mexican students in the nation legally. Immersion for the purpose of teaching Spanish is a failed concept and shall not even be attempted.

* Undocumented boomers shall be eligible to vote in Mexican elections without any requirement to prove identity.

* Grandchildren of undocumented boomers born in Mexico shall be Mexican citizens by virtue of their birth, regardless of the immigration status of their parents and grand parents, and

* Undocumented boomers are very sensitive and are easily offended. Therefore, Mexicans shall refrain from using terms like “illegal alien,” “Red Neck,” “Cracker,”or “Gringo” when addressing or discussing boomers.

In closing, Mr. President, let me assure you that undocumented boomers look forward to contributing positively to Mexican society, culture, and financial stability.

In doing so, we will attempt to do for Mexico what 38 million Mexican illegal aliens are currently doing to America!

With best regards and wishes for a diverse and free Mexico, I remain sincerely yours.

John W. Lillpop
San Jose, California

Satire By John Lillpop

Kudos to diva Caroline Kennedy for finally crawling out of her protective cocoon of elitist wealth and privilege long enough to perform a vital public service.

That public service occurred when Ms. Kennedy exposed herself to scrutiny by the New York press, which revealed her severely limited vocabulary, shallow intellect, and which proved, conclusively, that an education from a liberal eastern school(s) is darn near worthless in the real world.

In the process of being deflowered by folks who should be her allies, the 51-year-old Camelot reject took the place of Alaska Governor Sarah Palin as the most maligned woman on the global political stage.

From the Associatedcontent.com report, linked in reference (1), this, in part:

“By the count of the New York Daily News, Caroline Kennedy used the phrase ‘you know’ two hundred times in an interview with the Daily News, a hundred and thirty times in an interview with the New York Times, and eighty times in an interview with TV station New York.”

That totals 410 “you knows,” quite normal for a pimple-faced elementary school brat in need of a crash course in remedial English before graduating to high school, but hardly what one would expect from a serious candidate to replace Secretary of State-designate Hillary Clinton as New York’s junior member in the United States Senate.

More from Associatedcontent.com:

“Some experts in public speaking suggest that this tendency to use ‘you know’ on the part of Caroline Kennedy is a sign of inexperience. The ‘you know’ tic can be solved by training and practice.

“The problem for Caroline Kennedy is that this training and practice should have happened before she suddenly leaped into the deep end of the political pool. First impression count in national politics and Caroline Kennedy as made a poor first impression.”

Caroline Kennedy has other problems.

Most significantly, unlike Governor Sarah Palin, who has been elected and served as a mayor and as Governor of Alaska, Caroline has no political experience or record of public service.

Being a spoiled, 51-year-old diva with symptoms common to women in mid-life crisis does not qualify anyone, even a Kennedy, for the United States Senate.

Then there is the matter of pedigree.

Unlike Governor Palin, Caroline Kennedy has a famous uncle who, in a drunken rush to commit adultery, drove a car off a bridge, swam to safety himself, but whom abandoned a 29-year-old female passenger (not his wife), dooming the young woman to death by drowning.

That would be Teddy Kennedy, who because of his wealth and political connections, was not prosecuted for manslaughter and served no jail time for his role in the death of Mary Jo Kopechne.

Finally, and least importantly, unlike Governor Palin who is drop-dead beautiful, charismatic, and an inspirational ball of energy, Caroline Kennedy has about the same sex appeal and oomph! as White House correspondent Helen Thomas.

Not cool!

Is Governor Sarah Palin more qualified to serve as Vice President than Caroline Kennedy is to be a U.S. Senator?

You betcha!

Reference (1)

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/1348235/caroline_kennedy_flubs_you_know_interviews.html