Lill’s Pills

Proving conclusively that insufferable arrogance can coexist with debilitating stupidity in one overly hairy human skull, former Illinois Governor Rod R. Blagojevich officially joined the ranks of the unemployed this afternoon.

Or to be more precise, “Unemployable,” at least when it comes to working for government in Illinois.

With the entire world watching on C-Span, the Illinois Senate redeemed the state and its politicians, at least partially, from the massive ridicule heaped on the Land of Lincoln ever since Blagojevich was arrested outside his home by the FBI, and later nominated for a Guinness World record for the most “F” bombs dropped in a single wire-tapped telephone conservation by a sitting governor in a presidential election year.

Blagojevich shrugged off the unanimous verdict against him with these clever words: “This is a complete travesty of justice. I know of at least 25 rock-solid NO votes in that chamber, each one paid for with cash money.”

“There will be an investigation and I will restore my good name,” the unemployed Democrat promised while waiting in line to file a claim for unemployment benefits in downtown Springfield.

“I am no Richard Nixon and I am not a crook,” continued the erstwhile governor who failed to note that at least Richard Nixon had the decency to resign before being shredded to pieces by due process and rule of law.

Asked what his plans were for the future, Blagojevich hinted that he may write a book, perhaps a detailed “tell-all” about his relationship with President Obama and Rahm Emanuel.

Among possible titles, Blago mentioned “Sins of the Messiah” and “Sins of the Messiah and His F****** Jew Buddy” as being on his short list.

When asked how much of an advance he expected, Blago said that he was considering bids from two world-class publishers out of New York, along with a very attractive offer from a consortium in Washington, D.C. willing to pay big bucks for Blago to drop the book idea altogether.

Forever!

satire

Satire by John W. Lillpop

President Obama rocked all of Washington and the world with his latest overture to Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.
As reported, in part, by Presstv (Reference 1):

“It is important for us to be willing to talk to Iran, to express very clearly where our differences are, but (also) where there are potential avenues for progress,” said President Obama in his first interview with an Arab television since taking office.”

Obama’s public statements were expanded on via a private memo.

Although that memo is a highly classified, top secret state document, unnamed sources leaked it to this reporter with the understanding that its contents not be divulged until March 1, 2009.

Thus, in keeping with the high standards for journalistic integrity established by the New York Times, the memo is reproduced in its entirety, below:

TOP SECRET CONFIDENTIAL: UNAUTHORIZED LEAKING NOT AUTHORIZED

January 27,2009

From the Office of President Barack Obama

President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
Tehran, Iran

Dear Mahmoud:

In the name of Allah and all that is love and goodness, I bring forth greetings and salutations from the great Satan of the west, America the evil.

Forgiveness is sought for the English language in this correspondence. I have ordered my staff to make Arabic the official White House language, but sometimes change comes too slowly to those who believe in fair tales like the Holocaust, Jesus Christ, and the superiority of western culture and values.

It takes time, Mahmoud, but we have a righteous wind at our backs and according to my Vice President, “We are off and running, but it will get worse.”

With Joe Biden free to roam about, one can almost guarantee that things will get worse.

But, back to my main reason for writing.

To demonstrate the importance of Iran to my administration, you are the first world leader that I have contacted.

Mainstream media outlets may report otherwise, but understand that fawns in the American media publish exactly what I order them to, irrespective of the facts.

Trust me, my esteemed partner, you dudes in Iran are Numero Uno (that is Mexican, the second official language in the White House) in my black heart and mind.

Which is why I am prepared to make the following generous offer in the name of Allah so that the United States and the Islamic Republic of Iran may live in peace and harmony forever, or until Mahdi, your twelfth imam, emerges from a well and takes over the world for Islam.

My offer:

Nuclear Program:

America is not opposed to your great nation having nuclear weapons, Mahmoud. Our only concern is that those nukes do not interrupt the supply of oil, or cause a spike in gasoline prices, especially right before the 2010 elections and again in 2012 when, Allah willing, I will run for reelection as president of what is left of the United States.

By the way, you may have heard that I took the Oath of Office a second time, without media witnesses. What you probably did not know is that the second swearing-in was with my left hand on the Koran!

Praise be to Allah!

Back to the nukes: Just point them buggers at China and Russia and there will no complaints from D.C., although Zionists in Israel may lose sleep–but who cares?

In Exchange:

Agree to the conditions identified above, and we will reciprocate as follows:

1. Rush Limbaugh, America’s minister of hate propaganda and holdover from the evil Bush theocracy, will be arrested and deported to Iran for reprogramming through water boarding or public stoning, whichever is in the best interests of advancing Sharia throughout the infidel world.

2. Brothers released from Gutanamao Bay will be shipped directly to sleeper cells in Detroit and San Francisco where they will be trained to blow up the Pentagon and the White House, Allah willing.

Fret not for this soldier in the Religion of Peace, because when the attacks are launched, Michelle and I shall be resting at Camp Mahmoud (Camp David was renamed at 2 AM, January 21, between balls) where we will be safe from those sleeper cell bozos.

3. Capitol Hill in Washington, D.C., headquarters to 534 of the most corrupt, stupid, and unclean creeps in America will be renamed “Infidel Alley” to reflect the shame and sin so common here.

Note: There is only one fellow on Infidel Alley, a Muslim chap named Keith Ellison, who loves peace and truth.

There it is, Mahmoud. A fair and decent offer based on our shared objective: Eradication of old school notions like Democracy and freedom, to be replaced by the joy and light found only in Sharia law.

Trusting that you will respond in the affirmative, I remain your brother in Jihad and Twitter.

Sincerely,

BHO

Reference 1:
http://www.presstv.ir/detail.aspx?id=83885§ionid=3510203

Satire by John W. Lillpop

According to Speaker Nancy Pelosi, U.S. taxpayers need to spend several hundred million dollars on birth control in order to help stimulate the depressed economy.

As reported, in part, on the Drudge Report, Reference 1:

“Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi boldly defended a move to add birth control funding to the new economic “stimulus” package, claiming “contraception will reduce costs to the states and to the federal government.”

“Pelosi, the mother of 5 children and 6 grandchildren, who once said, “Nothing in my life will ever, ever compare to being a mom,” seemed to imply babies are somehow a burden on the treasury.

The revelation came during an exchange Sunday morning on ABC’s THIS WEEK.

STEPHANOPOULOS: Hundreds of millions of dollars to expand family planning services. How is that stimulus?

PELOSI: Well, the family planning services reduce cost. They reduce cost. The states are in terrible fiscal budget crises now and part of what we do for children’s health, education and some of those elements are to help the states meet their financial needs. One of those - one of the initiatives you mentioned, the contraception, will reduce costs to the states and to the federal government. ”

—————————————————————–

Pelosi’s unique thoughts for dealing with the economic crisis may spawn a whole new era of progressive and not-so-progressive economic solutions such as:

War is hell, but it works!

America recovered from the Great Depression, not because of President Roosevelt’s “new deal” of socialism and big government, but because of his behind the scenes finageling that dragged America into World War 11.

Bullets, tanks, war ships, fighter planes, and shipping hundreds of thousands of young men and women over seas saved America in the 1940s and the same strategy can do so again.

President Obama needs to reinstate the draft and start two or three wars as soon as possible!

Guns Kill–and That is Good for the Economy!

One of the greatest obstacles to free market growth and economic expansion is the anti-gun thinking of left wing nut balls like Nancy Pelosi.

After all, increased gun sales mean more shooting deaths and a bigger bang for the stimulus buck.

Eliminate all federal, state, and local controls on gun sales and ownership and watch the economy go Boom!

Drunk Driving–Your Patriotic Duty!

Drunk driving resulting in fatal crashes can be a real win-win for the American economy, especially when the drunk driver wipes out himself and several innocent, non-tax paying leeches in one horrific mess.

Intellectuals like Nancy Pelosi should encourage widespread drunk driving by running catchy national slogans like this:

“Drunk Driving causes fatal car crashes which stimulate the economy. Do your part by drinking and driving as much as possible, especially in crowded residential areas!”

Addition by Subtraction: The Case for Abortion!

With the economy in turmoil, unemployment sky high, and home foreclosures out pacing new home construction and sales, responsible progressives need to promote abortion as an alternative to bankruptcy.

In this scenario, Nancy Pelosi should deliver a personal message to American women facing pregnancy and bankruptcy at the same time. A spot featuring the bug-eyed grandma would work wonders with the following monologue:

“Hello, I am Nancy Pelosi, Speaker of the United States House of Representatives.

“I know that many pregnant women are worried about how they will support a new baby without a job and with credit cards maxed out.

“Relax. We Democrats are here to help you make it through these tough economic times.

“Democrats are compassionate people who care about the average Josephine and her financial issues. Which is why I am pleased to announce that the economic stimulus bill includes an abortion bail out that may solve all of your problems.

“For pregnant Catholic girls, rest assured that the Catholic Fathers have never really decided when life begins, so this is not a matter that will in any way impact your right to Holy Communion or your good standing in the Church.

“Best of all, federal abortion funding is now available!

————————————————————–

There you go, a simple but effective set of actions that the government can take to shake of this hideous economic downturn!

Reference 1:

http://drudgereport.com/flashpbc.htm

For just over $600,000 a year, the American people have secured the services of a president and vice president tandem that is virtually indistinguishable from some of the greatest heroes and stars coming out of Hollywood these days.

Think about it: In President Barack Obama, America has employed the Dark Knight as Commander-in-chief and for only $400,000 a year.

With Joe Biden hanging out around the White House, we the people get the Joker for the rock-bottom price of $208,100 a year.

Such a deal, already!

Vice President Biden showed why his Secret Service code name is King Faux Pas with this dilly:

“We’re off and running, but its going to get worse before it gets better,” Biden said.

Someone should have asked King Faux Pas this obvious follow up question: “Why not stop running until you are sure that you are headed in the right direction and not making things worse by running the wrong way?”

Of course, objective journalists in the liberal media would never get so cheeky with a major disciple of the new age Messiah. Doing so would be offensive and probably racist as well.

Excerpts from the report at Yahoonews (Reference 1):

”
WASHINGTON – The White House warned Sunday that the country could face a long and painful financial recovery, even with major government intervention to stimulate the economy and save financial institutions.

“We’re off and running, but it’s going to get worse before it gets better,” said Vice President Joe Biden, taking the lead on a theme echoed by other Democratic officials on the Sunday talk shows.

“At the end of the Obama administration’s first week, the party in power at both ends of Pennsylvania Avenue sought to lower expectations for a quick fix despite legislation expected to pass by next month that would pump billions of dollars into the economy. Democrats also opened the door for even more government aid to struggling banks beyond the $700 billion bailout already in the pipeline.”

“These problems weren’t made in a day or a week or a month or even a year, and they’re not going to get solved that fast,” said Lawrence Summers, a top economic adviser to Obama. “So even as we move to be as rapid as we can in jolting the economy and giving it the push forward it needs, we also have to be mindful of having the right kind of plan that will carry us forward over time.”

“Republicans want the recovery package tilted more toward tax cuts and have questioned whether government spending programs will revive the economy in the short-term.

“I just think there’s a lot of slow-moving government spending in this program that won’t work,” House Republican leader John Boehner of Ohio said. “We can’t borrow and spend our way back to prosperity.”

Clearly, John Boehner has not seen the Dark Knight and is unaware of the magical powers that Barack Obama brings to the Oval Office.

Or to quote an intellectual, who works for Obama as an ACORN volunteer, “YES WE CAN!”

Reference 1:

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090126/ap_on_go_pr_wh/obama_economy

In yet another bold move in a week of unprecedented executive action by an inexperienced community organizer in the White House, President Barack Obama abandoned several “old school” concerns harbored by the Bush administration in order to properly address more urgent threats.

Specifically, President Obama announced that his administration has managed to isolate Osama bin Laden to a few “hot spots” where terrorists are known to congregate, thereby taking the bin Laden crisis off the president’s Urgent Action calendar.

When pressed for details, the president referred the press to CIA Director Leon Pinetta who explained that the “hot spots” include Baghdad’s “green zone,” Iran, Afghanistan, Pakistan, Egypt, Somalia, Saudi Arabia, Kuwait, and other Muslim states known to be sympathetic to the CEO of global Islamofascism.

Pinetta also indicated that sleeper cell neighborhoods in Detroit and South Chicago might be “of interest” in locating OBL, although further action would be dependent on convincing BHO to supersede his first Executive Order which dismantled W.’s unconstitutional, illegal, immoral, and secretive domestic wiretapping apparatus.

On a more cheery note, Pinetta declared that reports which allege that Osama bin Laden works as a fund raiser for CAIR in downtown Washington, D.C., at 1700 Pennsylvania Avenue, are “completely false and not worthy of further action or comment by the CIA or other federal law enforcement agency.”

With Osama-mania effectively muted, President Obama rolled up his sleeves and tackled some of the more critical issues on the day.

Namely, BHO took on Rush Limbaugh, Republicans who listen to El Rushbo, and unborn fetuses, those incorrigible rascals waiting to pop out and destroy the environment, the global economy, and the world’s food and water supplies.

As a result, Limbaugh, Republican listeners, and the unborn got a taste of presidential wrath of the type normally seen when a nasty boil shows up on the president’s bum, or when a lingering hang over, brought on by not having enough balls to say no to at least some of the balls spinning out of control in the wee morning hours, continues to haunt America’s main man several days later.

As reported by the New York Post and repeated below, in part:

“President Obama warned Republicans on Capitol Hill today that they need to quit listening to radio king Rush Limbaugh if they want to get along with Democrats and the new administration.

“You can’t just listen to Rush Limbaugh and get things done,” he told top GOP leaders, whom he had invited to the White House to discuss his nearly $1 trillion stimulus package.”

With all due respect to the new president, getting “things done” is not in the best interests of America when the “things” are harmful to homeland security, national defense, the economy, and traditional family values.

Perhaps President Obama should stop listening to out of touch people like Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, and other clue less liberals?

Instead, Mr. president, why not try to catch Rush’s show which is on from 12-3 PM every day? Who knows, you might benefit from diversity of opinion and, with a little effort, might become the most famous “ditto head” in all of America!

President Obama also flashed a bit of competitive arrogance which indicates that he is probably better suited to arranging midnight basketball tournaments than serving as America’s commander-in-chief.

From the New York Post, this additional information, in part:

“In an exchange with Rep. Eric Cantor (R-Va.) about the (stimulus) proposal, the president shot back: “I won,” according to aides briefed on the meeting. “I will trump you on that.”

“We are experiencing an unprecedented economic crisis that has to be dealt with and dealt with rapidly,” Obama said during the meeting.”

So, according to President Obama, in the event of an “unprecedented crisis” as defined by a Democrat president, the system of checks and balances built into our form of government is null and void?

Powers granted to the legislative and judicial branches of government under the Constitution are unilaterally trumped by the president when he has decided that he “won”?

Clearly, President Obama needs a crash course in Civics 101. Like three hours a day, from 12-3 PM, Eastern Time, for example.

All one needs, Mr. President, is an open mind and a reliable radio on which to listen to the man “with talent of loan from God, on a mission to educate and irritate liberals!”

Mega dittos, Mr. President!