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BP House Around The Globe
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Archive for the ‘John Kakistos Lillpop’ Category
Satire by John W. Lillpop
That photo of the five U.S. presidents, past and future, together at the White House this week reminded me of two profound truths about America and our chief executives: 1. When it comes to presidents, crime does indeed pay, and 2. Mother Nature is most unkind when it comes to the aging of presidents. In particular, the two former Democrat presidents, Jimmy Carter and Bill Clinton, seem to have grown the most wrinkles, gray hair, and bloat during their turns in the White House. Unrepentant socialism does that to people, to say nothing of non-sex sex with an intern in that little hide away off the Oval Office! On the Republican side, Bush 41 and 43 look more like brothers than the father-son tandem that brought America two wars in Iraq, one in Afghanistan, the Savings and Loan Crisis, two recessions, the worst economic downturn since the great Depression, open borders, millions of undocumented illegal alien peasants, and annual trillion dollar deficits that will outlive both. Then we have the face of the future, Barack Hussein Obama who looks too young to be president, a fact that can neither be confirmed nor denied with any certainty because the rascal has thus far refused to turn over his birth certificate and has managed to get away with it! The looming question on the lips of botox professionals everywhere is how will Barack Obama age while in office? What price will the rigors and demands of power exact from Obama’s youthful good looks? As of right now, Obama might be “carded” by overly cautious bartenders (conservative) were he to slip out of the White House for a small libation between really dull, stressful meetings.
Satire by John W. Lillpop While the Internet was rocked by news that President-elect Barack Obama has chosen Dr. Sanjay Gupta, the neurosurgeon and correspondent for CNN and CBS, to be U.S. Surgeon General (1), an equally news worthy appointment slipped through the cracks and received virtually no reportage whatsoever. Turns out that Omar Epps, otherwise known as Dr. Eric Foreman on the smash TV series titled House, has been offered the position of White House physician. Which means that Epps, Dr. Foreman that is, will be responsible for the medical care and treatment of the Obama family, including the requisite annual examiniation of the president and reporting results to the media and American people. Cynics, mostly snotty, racist Republicans, are already lining up to ask what qualifications Epps brings to his new position. Will the American people be able to sleep soundly knowing that a television actor, rather than a licensed medical professional, will be prescribing medications for the most powerful man on the planet? Should we fret, if even just slightly, over the fact that that a TV doc will be stabbing BO in the bum when he (TV doc) suspects that a flu bug or nasty boil is causing all that executive wrath? How will the Secret Service react when Epps says he has to sedate BO in order to do a brain scan? Will VP Joe Biden be authorized to rush over to the Oval Office and take command based on the diagnosis and treatment prescribed by a man who would be more culturally comfortable with a gang knife than a surgeon’s scalpel? What of maladies and suspected maladies too delicate to discuss in great detail on a family web site? Can a TV doc be trusted to keep ultra-sensitive information concerning skeletons in BO’s closet private? Again, the issue boils down to qualifications. Anyone who has watched House knows that Epps is a capable actor and a man of integrity, at least in his role as Dr. Foreman. But what in the world makes Epps qualified to practice medicine out of the White House? Obama insiders defend the decision by pointing out that Leon Panetta is without any credentials in intelligence, yet he has been picked to serve as Director of the CIA. Mediocrity based on precedent seems a damn poor way to staff the president’s cabinet, but that is what America is up against with BO. A “google” of Epps background may provide valuable insight: Turns out that Epps starred in a 2002 flick, Love and Basketball, in addition to other acting gigs while portraying a young black athlete. Now it makes perfect sense: Epps is perfect because he is a brother who’s “got game,” and can do some one-on-one hoops with BO in emergencies! Reference (1)
A cliché commonly used when discussing justice in America is,”You do the crime, you must do the time.” Fair enough. However, why is that standard of justice nearly non-existent when it comes to a despicable swindler like Bernie Madoff? Madoff is the American businessman and former chairman of the NASDAQ stock exchange who was arrested on December 11, 2008 and charged with engineering the largest investor fraud ever committed by a single individual in world financial history. Madoff created an elaborate “Ponzi Scheme” in which he swindled well-schooled bankers, Wall Street investors, charities, and individuals out of $50 billion dollars. That number $50 billion is hard for most people to comprehend. Think of it in familiar terms: George W. Bush sent $17 billion of your money to bail out automakers in December. Bernie Madoff swindled three times that amount from professionals and others that should have known better. Despite the enormity of his crimes and the harm inflicted on countless numbers of innocent people, Madoff is a free man, after posting a $10 million bond. While the U.S. Congress and prosecutors sort out the greatest hoax in history, the mastermind of deceit continues to enjoy a life of luxury and opulence made possible by that very hoax. Madoff’s successful run of felonies has put enormous pressure on the Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC), the government agency created in 1934 to regulate the stock market and prevent corporate abuses relating to the offering and corporate reporting. For a complete history of the SEC, refer to reference (1). The burning question running through the halls of Congress and minds of jilted investors is: Why did the SEC fail to catch this bottom-feeding crook? How in the hell did one man manage to steal $50 billion from some of the most sophisticated and tough-minded money people in the world in the heavy regulated environment of financial investments? Has Bernie Madoff ever been investigated by the SEC? In fact, the SEC did investigate Madoff at least eight times since 1992 as reported by the Associated Press, Reference 2. From the linked reference this summary in part: “The many fruitless probes into Bernie Madoff: Securities and Exchange Commission Madoff’s name comes up in a probe of Florida accountants who allegedly sold unregistered securities. 1999 SEC examiners review trading practices at Madoff’s investment advisory firm. 2001 The SEC’s Boston office receives information from securities industry executive Harry Markopolos raising questions about the steady stock market returns of Madoff’s firm. 2004 The SEC looks into whether Madoff’s firm engaged in improper trading practices. 2005 The SEC interviews Madoff and members of his family, finding no improper trading practices. 2005 An industry-based regulatory office finds no improper trading practices by Madoff’s firm. 2005 SEC investigators meet with Markopolos, who alleges that Madoff’s firm is “the world’s largest Ponzi scheme.” 2006 An SEC enforcement investigation finds that Madoff and one of his clients misled regulators. As a result, Madoff agrees to register as an investment adviser. 2007 The Financial Industry Regulatory Authority examines Madoff’s firm. No regulatory action results.” Eight alleged investigations and a $50 billion Ponzi scheme goes undetected? Who in the hell were the SEC “investigators”? Big Bird and the Cookie Monster from Sesame Street? Amazingly enough, Harry Markopolos, while working at a rival firm, wrote in 1999 that Madoff was running a Ponzi scheme. Markopolos now looks like a certifiable genius, a fact that is of little comfort to those whom Madoff robbed, or SEC commissioners and employees who are left looking like complete fools, or worse. The bottom line seems to be that, as of now, no single explanation makes sense in the bizarre Bernie Madoff crime spree. Allan Sloan, senior editor at CNN Money Fortune (Reference 3) filed this report, in part: “CNN Money Fortune “NEW YORK (Fortune) — Yes, there really are times when life imitates art. A case in point: the Bernie Madoff scandal, in which the disgraced investor bears a startling resemblance to Zero Mostel’s sleazy theater promoter in one of my favorite flicks, “The Producers.” “What do the real-life Madoff and Mostel’s fictional Max Bialystock have in common? They used the same principles to pull off a big-time financial fraud. These are: If you’re going to steal, steal big. If you’re going to cook the books, make up numbers of your own - don’t try to doctor the real ones. And, finally, if you’re going to fleece people, turn down enough potential investors so that those whose money you take feel so honored that they don’t do basic homework to find out about you. “No, I’m not making light of what Madoff did, which has ruined the lives of people who went to sleep feeling rich and woke up poor, and which has devastated worthy charities. I’m just trying to show you how the world works, and why we see the same things, year after year, decade after decade, with frauds like Madoff and the Bayou hedge funds and other less famous sleazoids. “How could the Securities and Exchange Commission, which admits it had gotten tips about Madoff for years, bring some penny-ante insider-trading claim against Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban while failing to see that Madoff was ripping off billions from the likes of Elie Wiesel’s foundation? “Not to prejudge the SEC’s investigation of itself, but I’ll bet the answer will turn out to be that things have always been this way and probably always will be. If commission enforcers get a bigger budget and are treated with respect rather than being dissed (including, I’ll bet, by some of Madoff’s victims) as an obstacle to free markets, things may improve. But don’t expect a fraud-free era to ensue. “I’m saying this not out of cynicism but because I know how regulators generally work. I’ve seen it for years, in fields ranging from department stores to oil-drilling partnerships. You’re likely to get caught if you run a few inches outside the baseline, because regulators are set up to catch that. But run so far out that you’re playing on a whole different ball field? You can get away with that if you’re enough of a financiopath, and your luck holds. “Take the mutual fund “market timing” scandal kicked over by Eliot Spitzer back when he was New York’s respected attorney general rather than its disgraced “love guv.” As you may recall, many foreign-stock mutual funds - which, like all mutual funds, are regulated up the wazoo by the SEC - were allowing hedge funds to do quick trades that ripped off the funds’ long-term investors by diverting profits from them to the hedgies. (This really should have been called “skimming,” but that’s another story.) “Spitzer’s folks got tipped to this game by an informant - but it turned out there had been plenty of hints, such as hedge funds telling clients about their “timing” activities. The reason the SEC didn’t find this during its routine audits was that it wasn’t looking for it. Who’d have thought that funds would be so stupid as to risk their most valuable asset - their reputation - for the relative crumbs the hedge funds threw them? “No one picked up on our fictional friend Max Bialystock because he made up a fraud from whole cloth - he sold investors 25,000% of a ghastly, tasteless musical, “Springtime for Hitler,” that was designed to fail and let him keep the money, but became a huge hit. Like Madoff, Bialystock didn’t have enough money to pay off investors who wanted their dough. “Both scamsters also generated an aura of exclusivity by not taking money from just anyone. “It’s due diligence by crowd, and it doesn’t work,” says Jim Mintz, whose Mintz Group specializes in background checks. “There’s a big move on for the SEC to regulate hedge funds. It’s a worthy idea. But trust me. If a big fund is engaged in a big fraud, the SEC’s unlikely to find it without an outside tip. Or maybe even with one. That’s how things worked with Madoff. And how they work in the real world. And how they’ll probably always work. ” A video on Finance Yahoo (Reference 4), provides even more information on the Bernie Madoff story and is worth viewing. References: (1) History of SEC http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/U.S._Securities_and_Exchange_Commission (2) http://www.google.com/hostednews/ap/article/ALeqM5iIXcRJuIjbkGKM5GT0txn4-1CJowD95H7FI80 (3) (4)
As men in the “boomer” generation reach the later stages of life, a new medical ailment is driving millions of once virile, confident men to tears and shame. Namely, the dreaded ED, as in Erectile Dysfunction. ED, pervasive among men in their 50s and 60s, has spawned a new family of medicines devised to treat the debilitating loss of performance in life’s most vital game. The sports analogy is “He got game!” Men with ED “got no game.” But thanks to some nerdy scientist, who has probably never witnessed the awesome beauty of the disrobed female anatomy in person, American men now have Viagra. We call it Blue Magic. In sports vernacular, “We got game again!” Hallelujah and glory be to the goddess of love! The only side effect with Viagra is the danger of heart attack from too much excitement. But what the heck, no drug is perfect. Right? But, the medicine is a bit pricey. In order to determine what can be done to make Viagra accessible to all men, we contracted with beltway insider Opel Bijiquiovarti for a research project. The objective was to determine what legislative steps should be taken to make Blue Magic an integral and automatic part of the American Dream. Bijiquiovarti, a constitutional scholar and part-time assistant pharmacist at the CIA, released the following findings, but only on the condition of anonymity: The Bijiquiovarti findings: * Erectile Function (EF) is an inalienable right guaranteed by the United States Constitution. * The right to EF is found in the same section of the Constitution that guarantees a woman’s right to an abortion, and is adjacent to the Constitutional requirement that mandates separation of church and state. * Because EF is an inalienable right, Viagra must be made available to all males diagnosed with ED. For men unable to afford the medicine, Bijiquiovarti has learned that state and local governments must provide Blue Magic free of charge. No exceptions! Congratulations to Bijiquiovarti for his outstanding research and reporting expertise! Coming as it does so close to Valentine’s Day, the Bijiquiovarti report is the most exciting news since the Emancipation Proclamation. Thanks again, Dr. Bijiquiovarti!
Satire By John Lillpop
Kudos to diva Caroline Kennedy for finally crawling out of her protective cocoon of elitist wealth and privilege long enough to perform a vital public service. That public service occurred when Ms. Kennedy exposed herself to scrutiny by the New York press, which revealed her severely limited vocabulary, shallow intellect, and which proved, conclusively, that an education from a liberal eastern school(s) is darn near worthless in the real world. In the process of being deflowered by folks who should be her allies, the 51-year-old Camelot reject took the place of Alaska Governor Sarah Palin as the most maligned woman on the global political stage. From the Associatedcontent.com report, linked in reference (1), this, in part: “By the count of the New York Daily News, Caroline Kennedy used the phrase ‘you know’ two hundred times in an interview with the Daily News, a hundred and thirty times in an interview with the New York Times, and eighty times in an interview with TV station New York.” That totals 410 “you knows,” quite normal for a pimple-faced elementary school brat in need of a crash course in remedial English before graduating to high school, but hardly what one would expect from a serious candidate to replace Secretary of State-designate Hillary Clinton as New York’s junior member in the United States Senate. More from Associatedcontent.com: “Some experts in public speaking suggest that this tendency to use ‘you know’ on the part of Caroline Kennedy is a sign of inexperience. The ‘you know’ tic can be solved by training and practice. “The problem for Caroline Kennedy is that this training and practice should have happened before she suddenly leaped into the deep end of the political pool. First impression count in national politics and Caroline Kennedy as made a poor first impression.” Caroline Kennedy has other problems. Most significantly, unlike Governor Sarah Palin, who has been elected and served as a mayor and as Governor of Alaska, Caroline has no political experience or record of public service. Being a spoiled, 51-year-old diva with symptoms common to women in mid-life crisis does not qualify anyone, even a Kennedy, for the United States Senate. Then there is the matter of pedigree. Unlike Governor Palin, Caroline Kennedy has a famous uncle who, in a drunken rush to commit adultery, drove a car off a bridge, swam to safety himself, but whom abandoned a 29-year-old female passenger (not his wife), dooming the young woman to death by drowning. That would be Teddy Kennedy, who because of his wealth and political connections, was not prosecuted for manslaughter and served no jail time for his role in the death of Mary Jo Kopechne. Finally, and least importantly, unlike Governor Palin who is drop-dead beautiful, charismatic, and an inspirational ball of energy, Caroline Kennedy has about the same sex appeal and oomph! as White House correspondent Helen Thomas. Not cool! Is Governor Sarah Palin more qualified to serve as Vice President than Caroline Kennedy is to be a U.S. Senator? You betcha! Reference (1) http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/1348235/caroline_kennedy_flubs_you_know_interviews.html
By John W. Lillpop January 1, 2009 is indeed a memorable day in the history of Iraq and for the people of that nation. So memorable and important, in fact, that Iraqi Prime Minister Nuri al-Maliki has proposed that each January 1 be officially celebrated as “Sovereignty Day,” in addition to the traditional New Year’s holiday. In case you missed it, responsibility for a major portion of Iraq’s security has been officially handed over to the Iraqi government. That includes Baghdad’s “Green Zone” as described in the referenced excerpt(1). Quite predictably, sovereignty day in Iraq did not rise to the level of BREAKING NEWS! in the minds of left wing American media, those “objective” souls obsessed with chronicling every movement, or hint of movement, by a Marxist President-elect dawdling in the warm sands of Honolulu’s beaches! However, the turnover did mean a great deal to Iraqi Prime Minister Nuri al-Maliki who said: “It is our right to consider this day the day of sovereignty and the beginning of the process of retrieving every inch of our nation’s soil,” Nuri al-Maliki said in a ceremony. For those who care, Iraq has regained control of it’s own airspace and is scheduled to hold provisional and national elections in January and December, respectively. As reported in the excerpt from reference (2): “Iraqis have a double opportunity to make their new found voices heard at the ballot box this year. “Provincial Elections are due to take place on 31 January. And, according to the Iraqi Constitution, national elections will need to be held by December 2009 as well. “After years of living under tyranny, unable to influence or hold to account the former regime, Iraqis are keen to once more practice their new democratic rights. “Local and national elections were last held in 2005. “The path of democracy and political maturity since 2003 hasn’t always been smooth. But it is taking shape.” So, why has the good news from Iraq escaped BREAKING NEWS status in American media? For starters, Iraq is breaking news ONLY when young American men and women are being wasted in record numers, or when the American military is alleged to have reenacted the Holocaust by nuking innocent Iraqi citizens in place of starving Jews. American deaths in Iraq have all but vanished, leaving the New York Times and other bastions of liberal propaganda completely depressed and disinterested! Then there is this distressingly inconvenient truth: The “surge” crafted by General David Patreaus and commander-in-chief George W. Bush actually WORKED! By the by, that would be the same surge that our Messiah in Waiting voted against! Finally, ANY good news linked to the name George W. Bush is automatically relegated to page 1,120, or buried somewhere in the obituaries, presented in size two font, if you please, headline in lower case. Still, congratulations are in order to the people of Iraq who can now look forward to the future without worrying about being tortured, maimed, or slaughtered by the “butcher of Baghdad,” the late, not-so-great Saddam Hussein. Only liberal nut balls like attorney Ramsey Clark, the man whose failed legal defense of Saddam Hussein should make him eligible for a Nobel Peace prize, believe that the world is not better off, and safer, with the despicable dictator permanently confined to a six-foot deep hole in Takrit. Finally, although “Sovereignty Day” does have a nice ring to it, a more jubilant spirit might be fostered with a more colorful designation. How about, “Purple People” Day? HAPPY PURPLE PEOPLE DAY! References: (1) http://blog.wired.com/defense/2009/01/sovereignty-day.html (2) http://www.fco.gov.uk/en/fco-in-action/uk-in-iraq/iraq-case-studies/iraq-elections09/
Satire by John W. Lillpop
Governor Rod Blagojevich may be a vulgar, “F-word” addicted wretch, vile and corrupt in all manner before man and God, and a dirty, rotten SOB to boot. However, nobody can accuse Blagojevich of being tepid, reserved, or backward. This man has a flare for the dramatic and for subtle comedy, essential skills in the cutthroat jungle known as Illinois politics, AKA, mobster relationship management. Above all else, Rod Blagojevich is a DEMOCRAT, a fact which in no way excuses his felonies, but which does help explain the medical root cause of his crimes. Liberalism is a mental disease! The latest “Blago-eruption” slammed into the state of Illinois, the United States Senate, President-elect Obama, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, and BREAKING NEWS headline writers from coast to coast on this, the next to last day in the thoroughly god-forsaken year of 2008. Without the slightest hint of morality or conscience, Governor Blagojevich, just three weeks removed from being handcuffed and hauled off to jail by the FBI, stood before the world to announce that he has filled the Senate seat of President-elect Barack Obama by appointing a fellow named Roland Burris to assume said office. (1) No financial terms were disclosed, and it is unclear whether Burris intends to pay cash or if he will need to secure a sub-prime loan to close the sale. As reported in the Chicago Sun Times, Blagojevich said, in part, “The people of Illinois are entitled to have two U.S. Senators. “If I don’t make this appointment then the people of Illinois will be deprived.” For some unexplained reason, Blagojevich failed to note that the people of Illinois also deserve an honest, law-abiding governor, a circumstance that only his resignation, impeachment, sudden death, or other act of divine intervention, can bring about. Before Blagojevich held his press conference to introduce the next senator from the state of Illinois, Democratic leaders in the U.S. Senate issued a statement saying that any Blagojevich appointee would not be seated. “It is truly regrettable that despite warning from all 50 Democratic senators and public officials throughout Illinois, Gov. Blagojevich would take the imprudent step of appointing someone to the United States Senate who would serve under a shadow and be plagued by questions of impropriety,” the statement read. “We say this without prejudice toward Roland Burris’s ability, and we respect his years of public service. But this is not about Mr. Burris; it is about the integrity of a governor accused of attempting to sell this United States Senate seat. Under these circumstances, anyone appointed by Gov. Blagojevich cannot be an effective representative of the people of Illinois and, as we have said, will not be seated by the Democratic Caucus.” How utterly delicious to witness Democrats trashing other Democrats on issues involving corruption and high crimes! Still, it is hard to believe that it has only been three weeks since the first “Blago-eruption” sent the Democrat Party and its co-conspirators in the mainstream media into political apoplexy. Oddly enough, three weeks from “Blago-eruption” number 2, Barack Obama is scheduled to be ordained to the post of Messiah in Chief, with his office headquarters located in Washington, D.C. Before December 9, most Americans would have guessed that “Blagojevich” was a line of scrambled letters from an eye test chart at the doctor’s office, rather than the name of a prominent governor and experienced auctioneer. Until December 9, the leftist media were engaged 24/7 in an “Obama Love-In,” which was being foisted upon the unwashed masses as objective news coverage. Back then, the greatest priority in America was the unsullied, uncontested deification of Barack Obama. Thanks to Rod Blagojevich, the issue is corruption, corruption, and even more corruption in the state and neighborhoods where President-elect earned his political stripes and learned the Audacity of Hope. Hang on, conservatives! This show has not even got off the ground yet, but already it has all the marks of being a five star performance! Tell me again: How many days until the 2010 mid-terms? Reference (1) http://www.suntimes.com/news/metro/blagojevich/1354679,w-blagojevich-obama-senate-seat-burris-123008.article |
