Satire By John W. Lillpop
As men in the “boomer” generation reach the later stages of life, a new medical ailment is driving millions of once virile, confident men to tears and shame.
Namely, the dreaded ED, as in Erectile Dysfunction.
ED, pervasive among men in their 50s and 60s, has spawned a new family of medicines devised to treat the debilitating loss of performance in life’s most vital game.
The sports analogy is “He got game!”
Men with ED “got no game.”
But thanks to some nerdy scientist, who has probably never witnessed the awesome beauty of the disrobed female anatomy in person, American men now have Viagra.
We call it Blue Magic.
In sports vernacular, “We got game again!”
Hallelujah and glory be to the goddess of love!
The only side effect with Viagra is the danger of heart attack from too much excitement. But what the heck, no drug is perfect. Right?
But, the medicine is a bit pricey.
In order to determine what can be done to make Viagra accessible to all men, we contracted with beltway insider Opel Bijiquiovarti for a research project. The objective was to determine what legislative steps should be taken to make Blue Magic an integral and automatic part of the American Dream.
Bijiquiovarti, a constitutional scholar and part-time assistant pharmacist at the CIA, released the following findings, but only on the condition of anonymity:
The Bijiquiovarti findings:
* Erectile Function (EF) is an inalienable right guaranteed by the United States Constitution.
* The right to EF is found in the same section of the Constitution that guarantees a woman’s right to an abortion, and is adjacent to the Constitutional requirement that mandates separation of church and state.
* Because EF is an inalienable right, Viagra must be made available to all males diagnosed with ED. For men unable to afford the medicine, Bijiquiovarti has learned that state and local governments must provide Blue Magic free of charge. No exceptions!
Congratulations to Bijiquiovarti for his outstanding research and reporting expertise!
Coming as it does so close to Valentine’s Day, the Bijiquiovarti report is the most exciting news since the Emancipation Proclamation.
Thanks again, Dr. Bijiquiovarti!
