Satire by John W. Lillpop

President Bush has recently spread holiday cheer among scalawags convicted of illegal gun sales, embezzlement, mortgage fraud, mail fraud, illegal drugs, income tax evasion, moon shining, food stamp fraud, and other heinous crimes.

He did so by granting commutations and pardons ***, as is his presidential prerogative in the U.S. Constitution.

The president even took time from his busy schedule as Barack Obama’s temporary aide-de-camp to pardon a turkey, a Thanksgiving tradition that Obama will surely CHANGE.

Next November, look for Obama to issue a blanket pardon to all Guantanamo Bay detainees,past and present, as a “progressive” way to kick off the holy season of Ramadan.

Back to the turkey still in the White House.

While wasting his powers on hard-core felons, President Bush has overlooked a young American hero who sits in federal prison for minor infractions involving the rights of mutts.

That would be Michael Vick, one time beloved quarterback for the Atlanta Falcons and role model for youngsters all across America.

This young black man–REPEAT! Young Black Man! –has been victimized in one of the most egregious instances of injustice in the history of American jurisprudence.

Michael Vick, football star and Young Black Man, was unfairly singled out for enjoying a Southern tradition that dates back several generations: Dog fighting!

Next to the Confederate flag, there is nothing more symbolic of Southern culture than a bloody dog fight staged for a gaggle of bible-thumping, intoxicated good old boys unable or unwilling to secure female companionship on Saturday night.

That is the culture in which Michael Vick was born and raised. His only crime was honoring his culture to the fullness, while turning a pretty penny in the process.

Regrettably, Vick fell prey to bleeding heart PETA types who staged hand wringing and crying jags over a few wasted mutts. Given their way, PETA would resolve the Vick matter by hanging the American hero from a goal post during half time of an Atlanta Falcons’ game at the Georgia Dome.

Notice to President Bush: With your legacy in tatters anyhow, why not rescue this young black man from the shackles of injustice by granting him an immediate and full pardon?

If you act now, you will not only upstage President-elect Obama, but you will give Vick a great shot at making the playoffs and Super Bowl!

Free Michael Vick, an abused young black man!

**** 

Greetings and best wishes for a joyful and bountiful holiday season, my Fellow Americans!

To those at Citigroup, to whom I am obligated to pay $300 a month for the rest of my life, congratulations on that $20 billion bail out from your pals at the U.S. Treasury.

Please pay no pay attention to the naysayers who oppose your good fortune. After all, this is the season of miracles and whom is more deserving of a virgin birth sort of blessing than the good folks at Citigroup?

In keeping with the spirit of the season, my purpose in writing is to advise you that I will no longer be able to make my monthly payment on Citigroup account 2008SCREWUSAxxxx, effective immediately.

As you are obviously aware, times are tough and I have not been as prudent with my finances as I should have been. I am sure that you understand where that can lead.

Under normal circumstances, I would feel embarrassed and even humiliated at defaulting on my obligations. I might even apologize.

However, since that $20 billion bailout you co-opted from Henry Paulson includes my hard earned tax dollars, to my way of thinking Citigroup can take that $30,000 I owe out of the check that Hank is sending!

As far as I am concerned, we will then be “even.”

By the way, I understand that the $20 billion is really a “loan” that will have to be re-paid. I trust that your pal Henry is charging you 25 percent annual interest, just like Citigroup does to hard-working Americans?

On to my friends at General Motors and the dudes that sold me that loaded 2009 SUV Acadia which I was allowed to “steal” for $55,000.

Great vehicle that, and now that the oil market has collapsed, three miles per gallon is not all that bad.

In fact, with gasoline now available for around $2.82 a gallon, I could almost afford the monthly payments, the first of which is due next week, were it not for the $65 per hour labor that my GM dealer charges to change the oil.

In addition, Governor Schwarzenegger and the other vipers in the California assembly are going to triple the annual registration fee for SUVs like my precious Acadia!

It’s all too much, GM buddies!

After due deliberation, including consideration of bankruptcy, I have decided to default on my payments, beginning with # 1, because GM is not going to be bailed out by the government and is sure to fail.

Given the fact that GM is in deep do-do and will probably not be in business when Barack Obama makes history on January 20, sending GM even the first payment would be a classic example of “good money chasing bad,” so I won’t!

By the way, I decided against filing for bankruptcy after hearing GM executives argue against that option for GM itself. Thank you for the great advise.

As they say, “What’s good for GM, Is Good for America,” so I have decided to simply follow your lead!

To Citigroup and GM, Happy Holidays and may prosperity find your sorry butts in 2009!

Satire by John W. Lillpop

What if Barack Obama is declared a non-citizen and ineligible to serve as U.S. President?

That is most improbable, right? Perhaps, but not impossible.

In fact, a challenge to Obama’s citizenship is scheduled to be the subject of a “conference” at the U.S. Supreme Court on December 5, 2008. A conference is a meeting of the Supreme Court Justices where cases are reviewed and the court decides which ones to accept for formal review. *

The formal election of Barack Obama by the Electoral College is scheduled for December 15, just ten days following the Supreme Court conference.

What if the U.S. Supreme Court accepts the case of Leo C. Donofrio against Nina Wells, the secretary of state in New Jersey, and rules that Barack Obama is not a natural-born citizen as he must be according to the U.S. Constitution in order to qualify for the presidency?

Would electors at the meeting of the Electoral College simply ignore Barack Obama and choose a president and vice president from among Joe Biden, John McCain, and Sarah Palin on December 15?

A majority of 270 votes would be required for each position.

In the interest of constitutional continuity, perhaps President Bush and Dick Cheney would agree to step aside early to allow Speaker Nancy Pelosi to take over the Oval Office.

Senator Robert Byrd would, by law, become Vice President, until the swearing in of the 111th Congress, when the 90-year old Byrd would yield to youth in the person of Senator Inouye, the 84 year old from Hawaii.

A most delicious irony would occur if the electors installed Governor Palin as President and Joe Biden as her VP, leaving John McCain out in the cold where he belongs!

A Palin administration so conceived would cause moon bats at Daily Kos and elsewhere to go ballistic, providing laughs and hilarity for months, if not years.

Palin-Biden? Has a nice ring to it,right?

* SOURCE