Satire by John W. Lillpop

Having spent tens of thousands of dollars over the years for dental care, I have reached the point where I am ready to protest by shouting, Enough is Enough!

Despite donating all that money to the wealth and luxury living of my dentist, my front teeth are stained by a brownish-yellow hue, perfect for a bloke content with making a living as the “Before” model in an ad to promote tartar removing tooth paste.

Mind you, I do not smoke or drink, except when trying to figure out how to pay the latest bill from my dentist. That is when several double shots of cognac, taken with the unimpeded flow of full-strength Nitrous Oxide for an hour or so really hits the spot!

Of course, the “whitening” procedure is always an option, provided one has a few superfluous thousand-dollar bills cluttering up one’s wall safe or bank deposit box. If not, the next best choice is to smile sparingly, which is becoming easier and easier now that Democrats hold majorities in both chambers of Congress and two far left socialists are running for president.

All my misgivings about dentists notwithstanding, I do make it a point to subject myself to an annual dental examination. I do so just to stay abreast of my dying teeth and the various and sundry bridges, fillings, and other dental “necessities” installed to assure a robust Return on Investment for my dentist.

Every year the story is the same: Go for my annual examination and, when the results are in, cancel all vacation and pleasure outings for the year in order to pay the damned dentist!

This year I decided to do things a little differently: I bribed the night janitor to let me take a peek at my file just to see what was actually being recorded about me and my decadent mouth by my so-called dental care professional.

Here is how my dentist documented my examination, by tooth number:

# 7: Re-carpet family room

# 32: Next year–Plasma TV for 2009 Jaguar

The not so good doc summarized the mess with this dilly:

Mr. Lillpop’s overall dental health continues to deteriorate significantly from one year to the next. With a bit of good luck, we should be able to get Paul through Stanford before patient Lillpop dies or runs out of money.

Receptionist note: My brother Axel is a loan broker–give patient Lillpop Axel’s name and number. If all goes well, Lillpop will need a Home Equity Line of Credit to pay for my services next year. Also, ask bro about my referral fee.

Well, that does it! No more dentists for me. I am going to yank all of my teeth in one grand gesture and buy false teeth.

No more brushing! Or flossing! Or cleaning! Or insurance claim rejections!

False teeth: Taking a bite out of the crime called professional dentistry!