Satire by John W. Lillpop

As one who listens to major network “news” only when the only alternative is spending an afternoon strapped to a waterbaord, I am convinced that the FCC has a constitutional, legal, and spiritual obligation to protect the American people by including a health warning before and after every news broadcast.

FCC-sanctioned news disclaimers should read something like this:

“Conservatives are warned that listening to this broadcast may result in hypertension, hardening of the arteries, and other potentially lethal health conditions, particularly among those who are unduly insistent on unbiased and factual presentation of the news.

“No adjustment to your radio is required.”

That sort of disclaimer would have eased the distress of being stuck in bumper-to-bumper traffic on the Golden Gate Bridge recently, with no choice but to listen to the latest claptrap from the local affiliate of a major network.

Network propaganda falsely bills this hourly recitation of Democrat Party talking points as “Here’s What’s Happening,” but a foul air alert would make more sense.

On this day, the top news item was the possible discovery of water on Mars. Although the newscaster did not use these words, it was clear that he was frothing at the mouth to say,

“NASA scientists are reporting tonight that water may have been found on Mars. When confirmed, this discovery will immediately debunk everything in Genesis and the rest of the Holy Bible. Film at 11!”

With all due respect to so-called news professionals, even if there is, or was, water on Mars, so what? Unless Martian water will burn in a combustion engine and fuel a 757 jet from LA to New York City, who gives a tinker’s dam?

Meanwhile, the media ignore the most urgent news of the young millennium: There is oil under the Golden Gate Bridge and all along and off the California coastline.

In fact, there may even be enough “Black Gold” in California to end US reliance on oil from terrorist states, Russia, and Venezuela.

The big question: With gasoline approaching $5 a gallon, why are there no derricks, drilling rigs, and other instruments of energy independence under the Golden Gate Bridge and on California’s pristine beaches, which are instead wasted on parties, fishing, and other unhealthy fads?