Satire By John W. Lillpop

For those who believe that America is in a state of steep moral decline, the latest phenomenon known as “Pregnancy Pacts” will do little to restore waning confidence in the innate superiority of American culture.

Thanks to the pioneering spirit of seventeen teenage girls in Massachusetts, Pregnancy Pacts are poised to usurp cable television as the preferred source of summer entertainment for teenage girls with too much time on their hands– and other body parts as well.

For those unfamiliar with the term, Pregnancy Pacts refers to an accord between a group of like minded, unmarried teenage girls who agree to become pregnant in order to share the pain and glory of pregnancy, delivery, and raising of new born infants.

This sort of bonding used to take place in traditional families as an integral part of the marriage rituals between one man and one woman. However, with the advent of non-traditional unions in Massachusetts, mom and dad families are “old school,” definitely “not cool,” at least not in some high schools.

Because this shocking news originates in the only state in the union that is even close to being as liberal as California, I decided to interview Speaker Nancy Pelosi to get her views and feelings on this extraordinary development.

I caught up with Speaker Pelosi at an abortion cell on Alcatraz Island where she was donating blood for an unwed girl who was about to undergo an abortion.

John:

Greetings, Speaker Pelosi! Great to see you again, especially in such a positive and rewarding role as donating blood.

Speaker Pelosi:

Thank you, John. I believe that giving blood is a great way to help save an innocent life and that is my passion!

John:

But is that not somewhat contradictory, Madam Speaker? After all, your blood will sustain the mother during the willful termination of an innocent fetus. Does that not bother you at all?

Speaker Pelosi:

Damn it, John! I was referring to the innocent life of the mother! Please, vacate all the insane hyperventilating about unborn fetuses!

The damn things are nothing more than a few blobs of undeveloped flesh. Remember, that every fetus is the private property of the woman involved–it is in the Constitution!

Besides, most fetuses are butt ugly and have damn little value except to right wing goof balls that could care less about the precious little darlings once they come bouncing out of the womb!

John:

I understand your position very well, and apologize for bringing up an issue settled long ago.

I would, however, like to get your reaction to the latest social fad– so-called pregnancy pacts between groups of teenage girls.

Speaker Pelosi:

Well, as you can imagine, I am very concerned about this.

But at the outset let me say that I am encouraged by the fact that these young girls are not campaigning for John McCain or pulling some other outrageous stunts that will only harm the Democrat Party in November.

Truth is, I would prefer to see these gals pregnant and bare-footed, rather than in the clutches of old white Republican vipers like John McCain.

Besides, we can always abort unwanted brats– reversing the damage caused by old bastards like John McCain could be damn near impossible.

John:

That makes sense. But what has caused these pregnancy pacts to become “cool”?

Speaker Pelosi:

Well, to be perfectly honest, the Hillary Clinton spectacle over the past several months did not help at all. Hillary made a damn fool of herself and, in doing so, did irreparable damage to the self-esteem of millions of young girls.

Some girls reacted by working harder at school, or joining the Obama campaign. Others, usually less educated kids from bitter rural families with handguns, have turned to pregnancy pacts to express their anger.

John:

So it is all Hillary’s fault?

Speaker Pelosi:

Not entirely. There are other root causes for this unhealthy fad.

For example, George W. Bush’s evil and illegal war in Iraq war bears much of the blame.

John:

The war in Iraq? What in the world does that have to do with pregnancy pacts?

Speaker Pelosi:

Quite simple, really: If Bush had not shipped so many young men to Iraq, those men could be living in Massachusetts where they could fall in love with and marry young girls like those involved with these crazy pregnancy pacts.

John:

I still do not understand Madam Speaker. How do you know that any of those troops in Iraq would have married any young girl in Massachusetts? What is the basis for that argument?

Speaker Pelosi:

You know, John, you bore me. You bore me a lot!

I have tried to explain this in the simplest terms possible. You are obviously suffering from a right-wing bias that makes it impossible to communicate with you.

Besides, I have a life to save in less than 30 minutes. Please leave this cell immediately so that I can get back to donating blood for this brave teen girl who is sacrificing her own to help save the planet from overpopulation.

Good night, John!

John:

Thank you, Speaker Pelosi.

By John W. Lillpop

As soaring gasoline prices continue to wreak havoc among poor and near poor American families, presidential nominee Barack Obama has made headlines by telling the poor what he will not do to resolve the energy crisis.

Specifically, as president, Obama would not:

Advocate domestic drilling;

Seek additional refining capacity; or

Encourage development of nuclear power.

Having ruled out all reasonable ideas for increasing supply, Obama seems obsessed with reducing demand, even though oil is the mother’s milk of America’s economy and fuels the way of life that Americans adore.

So, what is a card-carrying Marxist to do when the well being of the unwashed masses conflicts with the socialist agenda of the Democrat Party when it comes to insects’ rights?

Should government seek to lower gasoline prices at the expense of the cross-eyed gay mosquito, an endangered species found only in Alaska and off the coasts of California and Florida?

Nuclear power might be plausible, but surely liberal-minded scientists can find a greener way to boil water?

Installing more refining capacity is out because it would take at least five years to implement. By then, science will most likely have perfected the technology needed to convert conservative talk show commentary–ergo, hot air–into affordable home heating products and fuel pellets for compact imported cars.

What to do, in the here and NOW? Especially since most of the folks suffering from high gasoline prices are die-hard Democrat voters?

Perhaps Obama should lift a page from the play book of the last American president who actually took a pro-active step(s) on energy and gasoline prices?

That would be one James Earl Carter, 39th president of the United States and the American politician most responsible for the Reagan Revolution.

Immediately after being inaugurated on January 20, 1977 , President Carter and his wife Rosalynn jumped out of their limousine and walked down Pennsylvania Avenue from the Capitol to the White House.

Mind you, Jimmy Carter was setting an example for the American people and the entire globe about the urgent need to conserve energy.

After all, gasoline was all of $.65 a gallon as Carter and his family walked to the Oval Office, where the new president immediately exercised his awesome powers by mandating a non-negotiable schedule for the White House tennis courts.

Unfortunately for America and western civilization, Carter’s stroll down Pennsylvania failed to prove anything, except that Jimmy was even more of a loon than Republicans had alleged.

Still, Carter’s walk showed the unwashed masses that he was doing something.

Since then, Americans have come to understand that sometimes something is worse than doing nothing at all, especially when Democrats are involved!

Further proof of this truth came when President Carter created two new cabinet-level departments: the Department of Energy and the Department of Education, which dang near ruined energy and education in America.

But back to 2008.

Perhaps Barack Obama should sprint down Pennsylvania Avenue, in light of the fact that gasoline is nearly ten times more expensive than when Jimmy Carter rained on America’s parade in 1977?

Lord knows that Obama should be fit enough to jog down Pennsylvania Avenue without even working up a sweat, especially after spending nearly two years running for office.

Better still, Mr. Obama: For the sake of America, don’t do something, just stand there!