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Archive for April 9th, 2008
Satire By John Lillpop April 9, 2008 IRS CC: President Bush, All Democrats, and RINOs Dear Ladies, Gentlemen and the Undecided: NOT enclosed herewith are fully-executed documents concerning my 2007 income and taxes, including 50 assorted pieces of meaningless paper normally generated only for the purpose of providing work for civil service types lacking sufficient intelligence and drive to secure gainful employment in the real world. In calculating my tax obligations, I subtracted my “fair share” of money spent by the U.S. government where my interests as an American citizen were not represented, or were actually subverted. As any pre-1960 textbook will tell you, “taxation without representation” is not cool. But, back to my return. Deductions were made for the following failings by the federal government: -Borders not secured; -Existing immigration laws not enforced; -Homeland security measures not fully implemented; -Taxpayer dollars used to provide public services to illegal -Illegal aliens allowed to evade income taxes; -Ballots and other public documents printed in foreign -Salaries and benefits paid to president Bush and the U.S. Congress while “working” on immigration reform. Taking into account my fair share of services not received, the Because I am politically conservative, I do not wish to add to the national debt just to rectify the wrong done me by the U.S. government. Accordingly, I hereby recommend that IRS and ICE team up in a joint effort to collect taxes, current and past, from the largest block of tax evaders known to human kind: 38 million illegal aliens now squatting tax-free in America. At the risk of being presumptuous, let me offer another suggestion: The greatest opportunity to confront these tax evaders would be at large public gatherings. May 5 is rumored to be a “holiday” in the illegal alien community, to be celebrated with massive rallies and marches in cities all across America. What a perfect opportunity for IRS and ICE to help retire the national debt, and reverse illegal immigration all at once by confronting millions of illegals clogging American streets on Cinco de Mayo Day! How will you know the offending criminals? They will be the wackos flying Mexican flags with “Sí se puede!” or some other idiotic Spanish gibberish tattooed on their foreheads. By the way, please note that I am filing early—law and order still means something in my house, if not in the White House or the U.S. Congress. Sincerely, John W. Lillpop
Satire By John W. Lillpop In many ways, Erectile dysfunction (ED) is the male equivalent of the nagging headache suffered by women. However, unlike the headache, ED is a complex physiological and psychological malady, rather than a blunt weapon in the ongoing war between the sexes. Substantiating Logic: Rarely has ED shut down an otherwise healthy male simply because one’s partner forgot a birthday, or anniversary, or forgot to say, “I love you!” 350 times in English, French, and Swahili before commencing intimacy. Most telling: Unlike the headache, ED cannot be feigned. For example, a man without ED cannot avoid intimacy by telling his lover, “Not tonight dear. My ED is acting up again–must be the frost!” Either you have ED, or you don’t. And the truth is quite obvious, bitterly and painfully so when you do! Because ED is the most disabling medical trauma ever to afflict mankind, modern medicine has correctly halted research into deadly killers like cancer, diabetes, and heart disease in order to bring the world a greater good: Erectile function on demand! As a result, the best minds in medicine have developed a number of fast-acting medications that can turn a 60-year-old, over the hill codger into an 18-year-old stud within minutes after ingestion of a magical pill. This boon in sexual readiness medicines has spawned a new era in advertising as well, as corporate pharmaceuticals go head to head, or groin to groin to be more exact, to capture the tens of billions of dollars that American men, and their partners, are willing to spend in order to be players in life’s most vital game. Many of the new ED ads are nauseatingly simple minded and offensive. Others are witty and quite entertaining. Take the latest Viva Viagra ad, for example. This dilly shows several cow pokes gathered around a camp fire while singing praises to the goddess of love, in this case, a little 100 mg blue pill that makes heaven on earth possible again. Oddly enough, this pitch features no babes (as in women) which may be an innocent oversight, or proof positive that the gay lobby has infiltrated the Pfizer advertising team. A competitor’s ad reminds ED sufferers to, “Check with your physician to see if you are healthy enough for sexual activity.” Excuse me? No otherwise normal American male is going to risk losing a romp in the hay by asking his doc for advise concerning the health risks involved! At least not before said romp! That same competitor advises men to rush to the emergency room should “An erection last more than four hours.” Wrong, again! Most American men hardly ever pray for anything. Except, that is, for long lasting, repetitious erections! Why in the world would one ruin a perfectly fantastic answer to prayer by going to an emergency room to undo the divine blessing with mortal impertinence? The more logical approach would be to make that little black book always available at the drop of a G-string–just in case serendipity gifts one with a particularly potent batch of Levitra! Now that the scourge of ED has been tamed, scientists need to unravel the remaining mystery embodied within the Peter Principle: A cure for the common headache, please! |
