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Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category
Satire, Courtesy of John W. Lillpop This is not meant to demean Wolf Blitzer, CNN’s top political analyst and part-time kosher food vendor. He is probably a perfectly fine and decent chap, worthy of every wooden nickel he can extort from the corrupt moguls who run CNN and Time Magazine. Nonetheless, a spate of compassionate conservatism forces me to ask, What sort of parent would deliberately name a child Wolf to go with the surname Blitzer? Does not the eighth Amendment to the US Constitution protect citizens from cruel and unusual punishment of the type haunting Blitzer? Naming a child Wolf Blitzer is about as nasty as one can get, except for handing down the name Lillpop to a defenseless new born. In fact, the physician who delivered this Lillpop was so concerned about the potential emotional harm that “Lillpop” might cause that he scribbled “TBD” in the last name of my birth certificate. Mum penciled through “TBD” and entered “SOB,” never fully appreciating the irony of that vicious attack. Out of a deep-abiding respect and grave inheritance considerations, I never argued the point with her. By now, it is clear that my doctor was dead wrong–being named Lillpop has not kept me down or interfered with my path to success. Inheriting my mother’s wonky DNA has exacted a miserable toll, but my last name has had little, or nothing, to do with a lifetime of institutional-quality insanity. Judging from his success as a famous national television star, Wolf Blitzer has not suffered too greatly because of his strange moniker. When I first heard the name Wolf Blitzer, I thought it was the stage name for some whacked out football analyst, unemployable except when assigned to cover crushed skulls, broken bones, and copious amounts of spilled blood on Sunday mornings. As it turns out, Wolf Blitzer is the real name of a whacked out liberal who never leaves the “Situation Room” at CNN, except when there is a full-moon, during which time he produces “Braying With Wolf,” available for a nominal fee as an Ipod download. Again, this is not to demean Wolf in any way. He is an elitist lefty, true, but he is very bright–for a liberal! Consider some of the most inspired quotes from Wolf *: On this one, Wolf sort of got out of sync with reality. Anyone with even a vague understanding of the relationship between Nazism and Republican politics knows that President Bush watches FOX News, and only Fox News! Everyone except Wolf was also aware of the fact that during the overkill coverage of Katrina by the liberal media, FOX ran old Amos and Andy flicks non-stop! It is called “Fair and Balanced,” Wolf baby! How about this Wolf dilly? “It is time for the United States, as the sole recognized intermediary, to consider more forceful action for peace.” This quote was apparently put together immediately after Wolf interviewed President Bush while the two supped kosher, non-alcoholic iced tea in the green room outside the set of the Situation Room. You can see Dubya’s lip prints all over those crazy words, “Forceful Action for Peace.” Roughly translated into Duybaspeak, the term means, “America must invade Iran now, before evil doers destroy the Middle East come January 20, 2009!” No doubt, Wolf had another meaning in mind. Then there is this unforgettable line: “Guess what, there’s another bomb out there, it is going to kill a lot more, but I’m not telling you where it is.” This is a bit of a tease, because no one knows for sure exactly what Wolf was referring to. Nonetheless, Dr. John Lilypompous, speaking on condition of anonymity, conjectures that this quote flowed from the lips of Wolf just before CNN announced that George W. Bush had been re-elected to a second term in 2004! That’s NOT the way it is, and thank the Lord for small favors! Wolfman: Blitzing America with liberal bias and propaganda from the Situation Room in Atlanta!
Satire, Courtesy of John W. Lillpop Although I emphatically believe that Barack Hussein Obama (Barry) is the least qualified, most anti-American candidate ever to get this far in a legitimate challenge for the US presidency, I would hate to see the man fall victim to the evil Clintonistas in Denver two weeks hence. Team Obama seems to have been lulled into a false sense of trust this week as they agreed to let Hillary’s name be placed in nomination. They erred again by agreeing to let Slick Willie address the convention, a most unfortunate indicator of the moral depravity which has overwhelmed the Democrat Party. To be perfectly honest, Bill Clinton should be in perjurer’s recovery and, once graduated therefrom, should be arrested and forced into an involuntary stint at a home for sexual predators/recovering liars. All in all, Slick should be confined until he reaches his 70th birthday, or until Hillary abandons his sorry self in favor of a real black man. Those options make more sense than foisting this salty old bird on the American people eight years after we got rid of he and his kleptomaniac spouse, who is, this very day, selling White House china and foot stools in order to retire her campaign debt! Amazing, is it not Hillary, how the flow of money dries up once the likes of Norman Hsu are no longer around to extort money and commit fraud on your behalf? Thank the Lord for fraud opportunities in the book writing racket, a corrupt industry that has rewarded both Hillary and Slick Willie handsomely for lying non-stop across two hundred plus pages of double-spaced malarkey. But back to the black prophet (profit?), the Hildabeast, and the convention in Denver, also known as the Looming Freak Show! Again, everyone knows that the Messiah is a genius and incapable of making a mistake. Still, in my humble view, Barack Obama needs to keep a very careful eye out for Hillary and Slick during the convention. Remember two things, Barry: 1. Hillary has warned America and the world, and especially you, that she was obligated to continue her battle for the Oval Office just in case something awful like, perish the thought, an untimely assassination should occur. Please understand that we would never suggest that Hillary might resort to extreme measures like murder, just to claw her way back into the White House. Still, there are several unanswered questions about Vince Foster and other Clinton associates who have left this dimension under very eerie circumstances. To be on the safe side, do not turn your back to Hillary, and do not go out to tilt a few cold ones with Slick Willie. Instead, stick with the likes of Reverend Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton, but be sure to always wear a heavy duty athletic cup when hanging with those dark dudes. Hide all knives and cutting scissors just to be safe. 2. In conjunction with the above, remember that Hillary has only “suspended” her campaign, she has not yet folded her tent. How long do you suppose it would take the Clinton team to renovate and re-roll out the “Hillary for President in 2008!” campaign upon learning of a tragic event that would render the Anointed One unavailable? Educated guess: Hillary could have fired-up volunteers on the ground in all fifty states in less time than it would take to explain the difference between Georgia the nation and Georgia the American state to Barry! Again, Barry Needs to Watch His Backside Around Hillary in Denver!
Die-hard fans of the Los Angeles Dodgers were delighted to learn that the club had acquired superstar Manny Ramirez in a three way trade with the Boston Red Sox and Pittsburgh Pirates. With Ramirez in the lineup this weekend, the Dodgers whipped the Arizona Diamondbacks twice in three tries, to move back to within one game of first place in the National League West. Manny smashed two dingers (home runs) and now has eight hits in 13 at-bats since joining the Dodgers on Friday last. His arrival should make the Dodgers the favorite to win the NL West pennant, especially since star pitcher Brad Penny is slated to resume his position in the starting rotation later this week against San Francisco. Rafael Furcal, shortstop and spiritual guru for the Men in Blue, will rejoin the team at the start of September, another move that should help Da Bums make the playoffs, and more, this season. Think about it: In the most critical “dog days” of summer, Los Angeles will have added an All Star pitcher and two future Hall of Fame position players to the roster. What is that you say? Sounds like a sixth World Series Championship headed to the LA Dodgers’ trophy case? Perhaps, but after the colossal choke-job by the San Francisco Giants in the 2002 World Series, it’s wise not to count championship rings before the fourth series victory is final, and indelibly entered in the record books. Meanwhile, speaking of San Francisco, the sad sack Giants continue to march relentlessly toward their fourth consecutive losing season. And while the Los Angeles Dodgers have won five world championships, the San Francisco Giants have never had that honor. Given the generation divide between players in their 20s and 40s on this roster, the 2008 Giants resemble a father-son entry in a fast-pitch beer league, rather than a bonafide team in the National League. Now that Barry Bonds is no longer a Giant, the only reason for going out to AT&T Park is to watch once-arrogant Giants’ fans grovel in drunken misery as the losses for their beloved G-men keep piling up! Enterprising taxi cab drivers are cashing in by offering one-way, discount fares from the ball yard straight away to the nearest vacant ledge on the Golden Gate Bridge (GGB) from which disgusted Giants fans can drown their sorrows, and selves, in one final act of desperation. Fans intent on ending it all are cautioned to do so before the seventh inning to avoid traffic jams and long jumping lines on the bridge. After finally conceding that the 2008 Giants are not headed for post-season play, team management appears committed to proving that the San Francisco Giants can lose 100 games without a 44 year old cripple and indicted steroids addict in left field. Why spend $20 million a year on an alleged steroids junkie and perjurer when left field can be turned over to a 21-year old illegal alien drug dealer from Mayor Gavin Newsom’s sanctuary city? After all, convicted felons shielded from deportation by Mayor Newsom’s goofy program will play for minimum wage plus commissions earned by selling dope to distressed fans seeking refuge under the bleachers while waiting for cabs to the GGB. There is another terrific reason to visit AT&T Park: 2008 marks the 50th anniversary of the great move from New York and Brooklyn by Horace Stoneham of the Giants and Walter O’Malley of the Dodgers, who escaped to San Francisco and Los Angeles, respectively, in the greatest scandal involving child abandonment ever recorded in the long and storied history of baseball. Above all else, Happy Anniversary New York and Brooklyn!
Satire By John Lillpop Change Stew is the perfect dish to serve at same sex weddings, late-term abortion baby showers, assisted suicide going away parties and US military surrender ceremonies. Best if served with fresh pot, cocaine, and or heroin in recyclable mud bowls labeled “GD America!” in Arabic. Serves 300 million for four years. Discard at end of term; do not reheat. Ingredients Waffles Hate America red meat Sautéed in Marxism and Jihad Inexperience, poor judgment, lack of significant achievement Overdone audacity and raw arrogance Appeasement olive branches Bilingual mumbo gumbo Anti-filibuster voter fraud Kosher Ham Dessert: Rainbow ice cream topped with chopped black nuts Directions: Add to large, green melting pot after removing all Bush residue. Allow ingredients to simmer naturally in sunlight, use no cooking methods that might cause global warming. Stir often, bring mix to full boil by occasionally adding allegations of racism and bigotry, according to poor taste. Blend in divisiveness and class warfare for added spice. For consumers in South Los Angeles, substitute Jalepeno peppers (from Mexico) for Hate America red meat. Serve with ice cold People’s Temple Kool-Aide. Note: Diverse ingredients subject to constant change without advance notice.
Keeping what they have not yet stolen from us, still in our purses and pockets was the answer. Let’s ban together to save what we can. Dinner On a Dollar needs your recipes. Meals one can create for even $1.99, just not $2.00. This could mean a main rice dish to serve 4 with $5.99 left over to fill out the menu. Please send your ideas and recipes to hungry@dinneronadollar.com Happy Eating.
By John W. Lillpop President George W. Bush solidified his liberal credentials on July 30 when he signed a billion dollar giveaway to irresponsible home buyers, greedy, bloodsucking lenders, and two private institutions, Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, created by Congress to stabilize, not devastate, the home lending industry. With his signature, President Bush transferred the responsibility for poor judgment and fiscally reckless (perhaps criminal) behavior from the involved parties onto the backs of American taxpayers. Most Americans handle their finances responsibly, seeking to live within their means and without being a burden to society. As it turns out, such people are complete fools, at least according to President Bush and the US Congress. In view of the huge bail out signed into law, several questions immediately come to mind: *Why should any responsible citizen scrimp and save when those who engage in reckless and irresponsible behavior can count on being bailed out with taxpayer money? *Where is the clarion call for congressional investigations to get to the bottom of this scandalous rip off? *Why are the involved CEOs in the lending community and at Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae not subpoenaed to testify under oath before congress? *Where are all of those do-gooder “public servants” who claim to be committed to oversight of the administration on behalf of the American people? The bottom line question: Does anyone really care about personal responsibility and integrity anymore?
By John W. Lillpop Barack Obama’s grand tour across the Middle East and Europe was supposed to shore up the candidate’s non-existent foreign policy and equally vacuous commander-in-chief credentials. In order to control the news sent stateside, Team Obama took the extraordinary step of taking most of the mainstream media along. The idea was to chronicle the rabid fervor with which Obamamania is conquering the continent, thereby imbuing American voters with the “inevitability” of an Obama presidency. As Europe goes, so goes America, right? Thankfully, that is not right! Team Obama would have hijacked scores of paparazzi for the trip as well, but decided to leave the photo freaks at home just in case John McCain collapsed from old age, or was found standing alone at a campaign rally in New Hampshire. Strategy wonks working for Obama reasoned that John McCain could lapse into a “senior moment” at any time. Paparazzi slime balls and their unforgiving cameras would be vital to assuring that no stumble by the old man went unnoticed and unpublicized. Despite the best efforts of Obama and his troupe of adoring news anchors, the 10-day love in with the Middle East and Europe served to confirm, with great finality, the fact that Barack Obama lacks the requisite judgment, character, and patriotism to serve as president of these great United States. Obama’s lack of judgment became obvious when he continued to defend his wrong-headed vote against the “surge” in Iraq. Contrary to what Obama says, the surge is generally accepted as a success by most responsible politicians; Obama’s stubborn refusal to admit that he was mistaken is nearly as problematic as his faulty judgment. Obama’s disgusting lack of character was exposed by his outrageous refusal to visit injured US troops. Grandstanding before hundreds of thousands of America-hating Europeans was apparently more important than honoring American men and women cut down while serving in harm’s way on behalf of our country and way of life. Questions about the candidate’s patriotism were put to rest when the emblem of American flag was removed from the tail of the campaign aircraft. Excessive displays of patriotism and gaudy Americanism might give Europeans the wrong idea about the candidate’s commitment to neutering America in order to fit it with the rest of the world, right Barack? Now that Obama has come home there should be no lingering doubts about his lack of qualifications to be president. The great-unanswered question: Will American voters finally accept the truth about Barack Obama?
June 26, 2008 Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger Dear Governor: Representative Tom Tancredo (R-Littleton) has recently written you with suggestions for dealing with the huge budget problems that confront you and the people of California. Rep. Tancredo wisely points out that many billions of dollars are being spent to provide public services to illegal aliens, people who should not even be in America or California, and whom most assuredly are not entitled to feed at the public trough. This past week, you proposed to reduce the income of 200,000 state employees in order to end the budget impasse. Your proposal would force state employees to live on the federal minimum wage, currently $6.55 an hour. As you are aware, state employees are American citizens who have mortgages to pay, children to educate, and lives to live. Moreover, state employees are public servants, rather than public sponges, as is the case with illegal aliens. Furthermore, recent events in San Francisco have made it tragically clear that the damage inflicted by illegal aliens is not limited to pilfering state resources. Specifically, on June 22 an illegal alien from El Salvador, named Edwin Ramos, allegedly shot and killed an American man and his two sons after an argument at a traffic light. Ramos, a twice-convicted felon, should have been deported years ago. However, because San Francisco is a Sanctuary City, Ramos was allowed to remain in The City where he snuffed out the lives of three Americans. From this incident and the current state budget fiasco ensues a critical question: Why are American lives and taxpayer dollars being sacrificed in order to shield illegal aliens? With all due respect from one whom has voted for you twice, purging the funds spent on illegal aliens is far more compassionate and responsible than punishing American citizens who work to benefit the public. In addition, removing illegal aliens from the public trough would have the added benefit of causing these uninvited, unwelcome interlopers to self-deport, while at the same discouraging millions of others from coming here in the first place. Forcing illegal aliens to leave our beautiful state would make our home a safer, healthier environment for all American citizens. I encourage you to adopt the suggestions provided by Rep. Tancredo. California must not raise taxes or take other punitive actions against American citizens while ignoring the financial and criminal damage inflicted by illegal aliens. Sincerely, John W. Lillpop |
