Can You Mind Your Hot Dog Manners In Spite of the… Hot Dog WARSBy Claudia Strasbaugh

2007 was the year of Hot Dog Etiquette. How well we handle those bun wrapped puppies come July 4 of 2008, who knows?

None of our sources agree when asked who started the Hot Dog Wars now becoming to be known as the Weiner War. The only thing they do agree on is Hot Dog Etiquette rules still apply, so they’ll be once more made available to you right after your War News.

This year since January 1, Americans have consumed 956,000,000 hot dogs not counting our munch of choice at sports events, trade shows, conventions, country fairs. The battle for the bun was predictable when hot dog makers discovered we are eating a lot of dogs in 2008 but our numbers are the same as 2007, we are not eating more of them.
To get ahead of completers this Independence Day, Kraft introduces the snack-size hot dog, completely reformulating it’s Weiner recipe. They also changed their spice blend so they could lay claim to today making the juiciest hot dog they’ve ever offered up.

Not to be outdone, arch rival Ball Park came up with the Angus Beef Hot Dogs, touting they now bring you the First National Hot Dog to contain real Angus Beef. It sounds like somebody may be making Hot Dogs with faux Angus Beef but we can’t find them to ask.

So no matter the lack of civility between leading Hot Dog makers, it is every bit as important to Eat Your Hot Dog Correctly, Please.

With National Hot Dog day almost here, peak lake and sea shore barbecuing, those back yard smokers heating up, camp sites getting hot dog ready, its more important than ever that we all display our best Hot Dog Eating manners, “Eat them dogs right:,” exclaims our National Hot Dog & Sausage Council.

# Condiments always always applied directly on top of the dog. They never ever go on under it, on the bun.

# Dress that Dog in proper Order please: Wet condiments first, mayo, catsup, relish, chili, or sauerkraut.

# Followed by dry goodies, chopped or sliced onions, grafted or melted cheese(s), garlic chips, then herb-salt and basil pepper last.

# Hot Dogs must absolutely appear on real Hot Dog buns. Bread slices are permissible only during dire times such as 33 miles to Hot Dog Buns from the camp site.

# Seasoned buns, buns with onion bits or celery seeds are acceptable. More– http://newsblaze.com/story/20080616120630stra.nb/topstory.html

Satire By John Lillpop

Alcoholic Anonymous has earned worldwide fame for its success in treating people afflicted with alcoholism. The heart of AA is the twelve step program which, when followed religiously, usually delivers the gift of sobriety.

Illegal aliens are much the same as alcoholics; in fact, many invaders are drunks. Because of the urgent need to rehabilitate these good hearted, hard working criminals, the steps of AA have been adopted to the lives and times of illegal aliens.

As could be expected, the original version of the Twelve Steps of Illegal Aliens is in guttural Mexican, written and produced in San Francisco.

What follows is an English translation, offered for the benefit of taxpayers that need to know how their money is being wasted on illegal aliens.

TWELVE STEPS OF ILLEGAL ALIENS ANONYMOUS
1. We admitted we were powerless over our drive to violate US borders, language, and culture in order to invade America and change everything.

2. Came to believe that Deportations by a power greater than ourselves could be thwarted by moving to San Francisco and other bastions of anti-American liberal insanity known as sanctuary cities.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to La Raza, the ACLU, the DNC, Barack Obama, John McCain, and the mainstream media.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. Finding none, we found “Family Values do not end at the Rio Grande” to be a mindless slogan uttered by a mindless politician bent on mindless pandering to Hispanics and mindless obstruction of the rule of law.

5. Admitted to no one, especially to agents of the Border patrol, Homeland Security, ICE, the Minutemen, and local law authorities, the exact nature of our wrongs.

6. Were entirely ready to march and riot in the streets should ICE or any other law enforcement agency even consider deporting illegal aliens to the Mexican side of the border.

7. Humbly asked Barack Obama and John McCain to grant amnesty to our sorry, brown butts no later than 1 PM on January 20, 2009.

8. Would have made a list of all persons we had harmed, and would have been willing to make amends to them all, were it not for the fact that we are but a collection of illiterate peasants who could care less about the fate of gringos foolish enough to get in our way.

9. Would never make direct amends to such people, especially since doing so would bring horrific damage to the Mexican economy and the sacred objectives of the Reconquesta movement.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly denied it and shouted RACISM! non-stop at the very top of our lungs.

11. Sought through alcohol and illegal drugs to improve our conscious contact with the omnipotent Illegal Alien in the Sky, as we understood Him, praying only for free tacos and ice-cold beer to sustain us throughout the scalding summer.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we carried this message to other illegal aliens and encouraged them all to vote Democrat in the November elections.

Happy rehab, Pancho!

                By John W. Lillpop

American super-patriot Rush Limbaugh has proven the superior value of conservative talk by landing a $400 million dollar ($400,000,000.00) contract that will keep the unvarnished truth on the radio airwaves through 2016.

http://drudgereport.com/flashrl.htm

With this latest salary surge, El Rushbo’s yearly income now exceeds the salaries of network news anchors Katie Couric, Brian Williams, Charlie Gibson, and Diane Sawyer– combined!

Having “Talent on Loan from God,” has been an enormous asset for Limbaugh who makes talk radio and entertainment sound easy.

To the contrary, however, talk radio is anything but easy, as leftist dim wit Al Franken can attest.

Franken, who once authored a book titled, Rush Limbaugh is a Big Fat Idiot and Other Observations, has parlayed cocaine, pornography, and tax evasion into a stunning failure at Air America.

Based on news accounts of Limbaugh’s new contract, Franken is considering a re-write of his anti-Rush drivel which will be titled, “Rush Limbaugh Is a Billionaire, and God How I Hate and Envy Him!”

Tough tilly, Al.

If elected, perhaps you should introduce legislation making it unlawful for private corporations to discriminate against less talented liberals, like yourself?

Call it the “The Removal of Successful Conservative Broadcasters from Publicly Held Airwaves and Preservation of Liberal Talk through a Fairness Doctrine Act of 2009.”