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Satire, Courtesy of John W. Lillpop This is not meant to demean Wolf Blitzer, CNN’s top political analyst and part-time kosher food vendor. He is probably a perfectly fine and decent chap, worthy of every wooden nickel he can extort from the corrupt moguls who run CNN and Time Magazine. Nonetheless, a spate of compassionate conservatism forces me to ask, What sort of parent would deliberately name a child Wolf to go with the surname Blitzer? Does not the eighth Amendment to the US Constitution protect citizens from cruel and unusual punishment of the type haunting Blitzer? Naming a child Wolf Blitzer is about as nasty as one can get, except for handing down the name Lillpop to a defenseless new born. In fact, the physician who delivered this Lillpop was so concerned about the potential emotional harm that “Lillpop” might cause that he scribbled “TBD” in the last name of my birth certificate. Mum penciled through “TBD” and entered “SOB,” never fully appreciating the irony of that vicious attack. Out of a deep-abiding respect and grave inheritance considerations, I never argued the point with her. By now, it is clear that my doctor was dead wrong–being named Lillpop has not kept me down or interfered with my path to success. Inheriting my mother’s wonky DNA has exacted a miserable toll, but my last name has had little, or nothing, to do with a lifetime of institutional-quality insanity. Judging from his success as a famous national television star, Wolf Blitzer has not suffered too greatly because of his strange moniker. When I first heard the name Wolf Blitzer, I thought it was the stage name for some whacked out football analyst, unemployable except when assigned to cover crushed skulls, broken bones, and copious amounts of spilled blood on Sunday mornings. As it turns out, Wolf Blitzer is the real name of a whacked out liberal who never leaves the “Situation Room” at CNN, except when there is a full-moon, during which time he produces “Braying With Wolf,” available for a nominal fee as an Ipod download. Again, this is not to demean Wolf in any way. He is an elitist lefty, true, but he is very bright–for a liberal! Consider some of the most inspired quotes from Wolf *: On this one, Wolf sort of got out of sync with reality. Anyone with even a vague understanding of the relationship between Nazism and Republican politics knows that President Bush watches FOX News, and only Fox News! Everyone except Wolf was also aware of the fact that during the overkill coverage of Katrina by the liberal media, FOX ran old Amos and Andy flicks non-stop! It is called “Fair and Balanced,” Wolf baby! How about this Wolf dilly? “It is time for the United States, as the sole recognized intermediary, to consider more forceful action for peace.” This quote was apparently put together immediately after Wolf interviewed President Bush while the two supped kosher, non-alcoholic iced tea in the green room outside the set of the Situation Room. You can see Dubya’s lip prints all over those crazy words, “Forceful Action for Peace.” Roughly translated into Duybaspeak, the term means, “America must invade Iran now, before evil doers destroy the Middle East come January 20, 2009!” No doubt, Wolf had another meaning in mind. Then there is this unforgettable line: “Guess what, there’s another bomb out there, it is going to kill a lot more, but I’m not telling you where it is.” This is a bit of a tease, because no one knows for sure exactly what Wolf was referring to. Nonetheless, Dr. John Lilypompous, speaking on condition of anonymity, conjectures that this quote flowed from the lips of Wolf just before CNN announced that George W. Bush had been re-elected to a second term in 2004! That’s NOT the way it is, and thank the Lord for small favors! Wolfman: Blitzing America with liberal bias and propaganda from the Situation Room in Atlanta!
By John W. Lillpop So, John McCain might pick a running mate that supports abortion rights? The stunning thing is not McCain’s non-conservative position; rather, it is that some conservatives were actually “alarmed” by his exit, stage left. Example of conservative reaction: “It absolutely floored me,” said Phil Burress, head of the Ohio-based Citizens for Community Values. “It would doom him in Ohio.” With all due respect to Burress and other alleged conservatives, what is there to be alarmed or floored about? John McCain has never been, and never will be, a true conservative. Remember, this man nearly became a Democrat a few years back, and who can forget the summer of 2007 when he joined forces with Edward Kennedy in a horrific and wicked betrayal of American citizens in favor of illegal aliens? John McCain holds and proudly boasts of several views that are the antithesis of conservatism on issues like global warming, taxes, and illegal aliens. To the unwary conservative who intends to vote for McCain simply because of that R next to his name, be aware of the potential for at least four years of devastating alarm and being floored should McCain win. Examples: Suspect that global warming is a leftist farce perpetuated by Al Gore and like-minded liberals to get Americans out of their cars in order to save rare species of cross eyed mosquitoes and flying worms? Believe that lower taxes, even for the rich and powerful, will benefit the American economy and all Americans, whereas raising taxes will sound the death knell for economic growth for everyone, rich and poor? Agree that the wages earned by CEOs and business moguls on Wall Street are excessive and must be subject to monitoring and control by the government? Concerned that granting amnesty to 12-38 million illegal aliens will destroy American language and culture as well as the US economy, education, health care, and reliance on the rule of law? John McCain is on the wrong side of all of these issues and would deliver doses of alarm and flooring just about every day! In addition, a vote for John McCain would guarantee the decay of America into a third world existence! By the way, how is your Spanish? Of course, Barack Obama is 100 times worse than McCain. But why must Americans choose between an unmitigated disaster and a partially mitigated disaster? Why not vote for Chuck Baldwin, the only real conservative running for the presidency! jwl
By John W. Lillpop In a magnificent tribute to the superiority of American culture, language, and food, Michael Phelps has once again rewritten history by earning his unprecedented eighth Olympic gold medal of the 2008 Olympics. Bravo to the young man in red, white, and blue who may have to move to Fort Knox, Kentucky for security reasons, so much gold has he acquired. Phelps’ timing is particularly excellent, coming as it does just as the Democrat Party is about to nominate an America-hating Marxist with Jihadist tendencies in the personage of Barack Obama to be 44th president of the United States. Each and every American citizen who truly loves America will join in the celebration of Michael Phelps, while praying for the political demise of Barack Hussein Obama. For the full story of Michael Phelps and his conquest of the world, see the link below. God Bless America and Michael Phelps!
Satire, Courtesy of John W. Lillpop Although I emphatically believe that Barack Hussein Obama (Barry) is the least qualified, most anti-American candidate ever to get this far in a legitimate challenge for the US presidency, I would hate to see the man fall victim to the evil Clintonistas in Denver two weeks hence. Team Obama seems to have been lulled into a false sense of trust this week as they agreed to let Hillary’s name be placed in nomination. They erred again by agreeing to let Slick Willie address the convention, a most unfortunate indicator of the moral depravity which has overwhelmed the Democrat Party. To be perfectly honest, Bill Clinton should be in perjurer’s recovery and, once graduated therefrom, should be arrested and forced into an involuntary stint at a home for sexual predators/recovering liars. All in all, Slick should be confined until he reaches his 70th birthday, or until Hillary abandons his sorry self in favor of a real black man. Those options make more sense than foisting this salty old bird on the American people eight years after we got rid of he and his kleptomaniac spouse, who is, this very day, selling White House china and foot stools in order to retire her campaign debt! Amazing, is it not Hillary, how the flow of money dries up once the likes of Norman Hsu are no longer around to extort money and commit fraud on your behalf? Thank the Lord for fraud opportunities in the book writing racket, a corrupt industry that has rewarded both Hillary and Slick Willie handsomely for lying non-stop across two hundred plus pages of double-spaced malarkey. But back to the black prophet (profit?), the Hildabeast, and the convention in Denver, also known as the Looming Freak Show! Again, everyone knows that the Messiah is a genius and incapable of making a mistake. Still, in my humble view, Barack Obama needs to keep a very careful eye out for Hillary and Slick during the convention. Remember two things, Barry: 1. Hillary has warned America and the world, and especially you, that she was obligated to continue her battle for the Oval Office just in case something awful like, perish the thought, an untimely assassination should occur. Please understand that we would never suggest that Hillary might resort to extreme measures like murder, just to claw her way back into the White House. Still, there are several unanswered questions about Vince Foster and other Clinton associates who have left this dimension under very eerie circumstances. To be on the safe side, do not turn your back to Hillary, and do not go out to tilt a few cold ones with Slick Willie. Instead, stick with the likes of Reverend Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton, but be sure to always wear a heavy duty athletic cup when hanging with those dark dudes. Hide all knives and cutting scissors just to be safe. 2. In conjunction with the above, remember that Hillary has only “suspended” her campaign, she has not yet folded her tent. How long do you suppose it would take the Clinton team to renovate and re-roll out the “Hillary for President in 2008!” campaign upon learning of a tragic event that would render the Anointed One unavailable? Educated guess: Hillary could have fired-up volunteers on the ground in all fifty states in less time than it would take to explain the difference between Georgia the nation and Georgia the American state to Barry! Again, Barry Needs to Watch His Backside Around Hillary in Denver!
Have You Heard? Detroit Mayor Kilpatrick Is a DEMOCRAT!Herewith a Democrat! By John W. Lillpop Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick, a DEMOCRAT, has had a most interesting week, even for a DEMOCRAT. On Thursday, DEMOCRAT Mayor Kilpatrick spent the night in a one-man jail cell with no TV and a phone only for collect calls, the consequence of violating his bond in a criminal case that has dogged the DEMOCRAT for months. On Friday, Kilpatrick, a DEMOCRAT, was released from jail just in time to receive two felony assault charges filed by the Michigan Attorney General’s office. Apparently, the Detroit DEMOCRAT manhandled meddlesome interlopers trying to serve a subpoena. Allegedly, that is. Of course, the liberal-infested media ignored Kilpatrick’s party affiliation, a blessing hardly ever bestowed on Republicans caught in the untidy cross hairs of justice. Which reminds me, did I mention that Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick is a DEMOCRAT?
By John W. Lillpop With all the bloody infighting, back stabbing, and nut cutting going on between Democrats these days, it is questionable whether this party of asses can survive long enough to hold their convention in Denver on August 25-28. In the latest kerfuffel, former senator and presidential candidate John Edwards has admitted to an extramarital affair with one Rielle Hunter. Ever conscious of his image, Edwards made sure to point out that his tryst with Hunter happened while wife Elizabeth’s cancer was in remission. That is sure to endear the jerk to hypocritical liberals eager to point out that Republican Newt Gingrich dumped his wife while she was being treated in a hospital. However, other Democrats are wondering if Edwards should skip this convention, thereby saving the party loads of bad PR and embarrassment in an extremely tight election cycle. Hoever, there is a complication: Democrats have just agreed to let Slick Willie, the president, sex addict, and perjurer who gave us “I did not have sex with that woman,” address the conventioneers during prime time. On what basis, then, can the asses deny Edwards the right to make a fool of himself in front of party faithful and millions of television viewers? John Edwards has another distinct moral advantage over Slick Willie: He did not lie under oath! In fact, the rising star, now in descent, let it all hang out when he said, in part, the following: “If you want to beat me up - feel free. You cannot beat me up more than I have already beaten up myself. I have been stripped bare and will now work with everything I have to help my family and others who need my help.”* Given that naked mea culpa, I say kick Slick Willie off the stage and let John Edwards have his say. After all, a humble Democrat willing to be beaten up may be just what voters are lusting for in 2008! *
Die-hard fans of the Los Angeles Dodgers were delighted to learn that the club had acquired superstar Manny Ramirez in a three way trade with the Boston Red Sox and Pittsburgh Pirates. With Ramirez in the lineup this weekend, the Dodgers whipped the Arizona Diamondbacks twice in three tries, to move back to within one game of first place in the National League West. Manny smashed two dingers (home runs) and now has eight hits in 13 at-bats since joining the Dodgers on Friday last. His arrival should make the Dodgers the favorite to win the NL West pennant, especially since star pitcher Brad Penny is slated to resume his position in the starting rotation later this week against San Francisco. Rafael Furcal, shortstop and spiritual guru for the Men in Blue, will rejoin the team at the start of September, another move that should help Da Bums make the playoffs, and more, this season. Think about it: In the most critical “dog days” of summer, Los Angeles will have added an All Star pitcher and two future Hall of Fame position players to the roster. What is that you say? Sounds like a sixth World Series Championship headed to the LA Dodgers’ trophy case? Perhaps, but after the colossal choke-job by the San Francisco Giants in the 2002 World Series, it’s wise not to count championship rings before the fourth series victory is final, and indelibly entered in the record books. Meanwhile, speaking of San Francisco, the sad sack Giants continue to march relentlessly toward their fourth consecutive losing season. And while the Los Angeles Dodgers have won five world championships, the San Francisco Giants have never had that honor. Given the generation divide between players in their 20s and 40s on this roster, the 2008 Giants resemble a father-son entry in a fast-pitch beer league, rather than a bonafide team in the National League. Now that Barry Bonds is no longer a Giant, the only reason for going out to AT&T Park is to watch once-arrogant Giants’ fans grovel in drunken misery as the losses for their beloved G-men keep piling up! Enterprising taxi cab drivers are cashing in by offering one-way, discount fares from the ball yard straight away to the nearest vacant ledge on the Golden Gate Bridge (GGB) from which disgusted Giants fans can drown their sorrows, and selves, in one final act of desperation. Fans intent on ending it all are cautioned to do so before the seventh inning to avoid traffic jams and long jumping lines on the bridge. After finally conceding that the 2008 Giants are not headed for post-season play, team management appears committed to proving that the San Francisco Giants can lose 100 games without a 44 year old cripple and indicted steroids addict in left field. Why spend $20 million a year on an alleged steroids junkie and perjurer when left field can be turned over to a 21-year old illegal alien drug dealer from Mayor Gavin Newsom’s sanctuary city? After all, convicted felons shielded from deportation by Mayor Newsom’s goofy program will play for minimum wage plus commissions earned by selling dope to distressed fans seeking refuge under the bleachers while waiting for cabs to the GGB. There is another terrific reason to visit AT&T Park: 2008 marks the 50th anniversary of the great move from New York and Brooklyn by Horace Stoneham of the Giants and Walter O’Malley of the Dodgers, who escaped to San Francisco and Los Angeles, respectively, in the greatest scandal involving child abandonment ever recorded in the long and storied history of baseball. Above all else, Happy Anniversary New York and Brooklyn!
Satire By John Lillpop Change Stew is the perfect dish to serve at same sex weddings, late-term abortion baby showers, assisted suicide going away parties and US military surrender ceremonies. Best if served with fresh pot, cocaine, and or heroin in recyclable mud bowls labeled “GD America!” in Arabic. Serves 300 million for four years. Discard at end of term; do not reheat. Ingredients Waffles Hate America red meat Sautéed in Marxism and Jihad Inexperience, poor judgment, lack of significant achievement Overdone audacity and raw arrogance Appeasement olive branches Bilingual mumbo gumbo Anti-filibuster voter fraud Kosher Ham Dessert: Rainbow ice cream topped with chopped black nuts Directions: Add to large, green melting pot after removing all Bush residue. Allow ingredients to simmer naturally in sunlight, use no cooking methods that might cause global warming. Stir often, bring mix to full boil by occasionally adding allegations of racism and bigotry, according to poor taste. Blend in divisiveness and class warfare for added spice. For consumers in South Los Angeles, substitute Jalepeno peppers (from Mexico) for Hate America red meat. Serve with ice cold People’s Temple Kool-Aide. Note: Diverse ingredients subject to constant change without advance notice. |
